My Girl | B. Joohyun

. 003 ౨ৎ

Warning!! Mentions of Ed and self harm

Ha-na was woken up by a loud banging on her door. "Get up, sweetheart!" Her mom's voice pierced through the morning silence. Ha-na groaned, rubbing her eyes as she realized her bonnet had slipped off during the night—again. She rolled over, staring at the bonnet lying on the floor, confused and still half-asleep.

Before she could get up, her mom burst into the room, adjusting the face mask she wore as part of her morning routine. "Do you mind if I borrow that new mascara?" she asked, her tone more commanding than questioning.

Ha-na's mom had her at a very young age, so they often felt more like sisters than mother and daughter. Despite her deep love for her mom, Ha-na couldn't shake the pressure that came with living up to her mom's standards. Her mom had always emphasized the importance of looking perfect, and Ha-na felt the weight of that expectation every day. If she wasn't at her best, her mom never hesitated to point it out, making it clear that in her world, appearances were everything.

Ha-na forced a smile and shook her head. "Nope. Go ahead," she replied, though her heart sank a little. As she made her way to the door, her mom's voice followed her, sharp and critical. "You're getting fat. Cut down on the carbs." Ha-na paused, looking down at her stomach as she picked at it with her fingers. "You think?" she murmured, trying to keep her tone light, but the words stung. She pouted slightly, then continued to the bathroom. Once inside, she closed the door and let out a heavy sigh, the weight of her mother's comment pressing down on her.

In front of the mirror, Ha-na lifted her shirt and sucked in her stomach, trying to convince herself that she wasn't gaining weight. But the reflection staring back at her did little to comfort her. Her mom's obsession with appearance had been forced on her from a young age—pageants, diet pills, constant reminders to stay slim. It had always been about being perfect, no matter the cost. Tears welled up in Ha-na's eyes as she looked at herself in the mirror, the harsh light exposing every flaw she wished she could erase. There were so many things she wanted to change, so many parts of herself she wished she could just get rid of. Her eyes drifted to the razor blade resting on the sink, her hand slowly reaching for it. But just as her fingers brushed against the cold metal, a sudden loud bang on the door startled her, snapping her out of her dangerous thoughts. "Ha-na! Hurry up! You're going to be late!" her mom called out, taking her from her thoughts. Ha-na quickly pulled her hand away from the razor. "Coming!" she yelled back, deciding to skip her usual routine and throw her hair into a slick bun before rushing into the shower. After a quick rinse, she dressed in her uniform, brushing her teeth as fast as she could.

She hoped for at least a piece of toast waiting for her when she walked into the kitchen. But instead, her mom stood by the door, looking at her with mild confusion. "Well, the bus doesn't wait for you," she said, pointing to the front door. Ha-na sighed, recognizing the subtle message her mom was sending. "What about breakfast?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. Her mom scoffed, giving her a look. "You don't need it." The words stung, but Ha-na didn't argue. She felt defeated as she walked toward the front door. Instead of catching the bus, she decided to walk to school. She didn't feel like facing her friends right now; she needed some time to herself.

As she walked, Ha-na spotted a beautiful flower along the road. She paused, pulling out her digital camera. Photography had always been her secret passion, a love her mom disapproved of. "You belong in front of the camera, not behind it," her mom would say whenever the subject came up, dismissing it as a waste of time. But Ha-na didn't let that stop her. She carried her camera everywhere, capturing moments when no one was looking, and later importing the photos into her laptop. It was the one thing she did for herself, a secret she kept from everyone. Taking a deep breath, she focused the lens and snapped a picture, feeling a small sense of satisfaction in the simple act of doing something she loved, even if it had to be in secret.