Ambivalence - D.M.

Stop

If there's one thing I've learned throughout the years, it's that whoever was up there, controlling my fate, absolutely despised me.

Even from the beginning, when I was just a child, I could tell that life despised me. Having other kids run away in fear of me, of the floating toys that would surround me when I got excited, or the slight tremble of paintings whenever I threw a tantrum. Ever since I was five years old, life had shown me that it despised me by giving me a gift in a world where it could never be appreciated, a gift many would die to receive, and yet had caused me a life of disdain.

It was no surprise to my parents when we received a letter by an owl a few days before my eleventh birthday. It was even less of a surprise when an old looking lady with sharp yellow eyes appeared on our doorstep to hand us a brochure, "A muggle's guide to magical children", only a day after, and sat down with us for some tea.

We took the trip to Diagon Alley with the rest of the muggleborn wixen, on the arranged tour for muggle parents. We went through all the necessary shops and places needed for the next seven years of my education, and it was easy to find kinship with the other muggleborn children. We were quick to bond, and I especially took a liking to a bushy-haired girl, Hermione, after our shared love of football, and her fascination with magic becoming a dangerous mix to our mutual love for reading.

And yet, even after spending a summer exchanging calls, letters, reading material, and so much more with my bushy-haired friend, life absolutely despised me. After spending the whole trip on the train together, after seeing her leave and look for a nervous looking fellow's frog, after arriving at the dock, with the ginormous castle looming from afar, after holding hands nervously in the Great Hall and it's floating lights, hoping we would be able to stay together for the mutual comfort of knowing each other, knowing how it's different for us, life despised me.

As I watched my friend walk away in newly transfigured red robes, and heard the hat scream over my head, I knew life despised me, absolutely loathed me.

"SLYTHERIN!"

And after walking over with green and silver robes to a table who didn't clap, didn't cheer, only sneered at my arrival, I knew for a fact that there was no other explanation, that life just had to hate me and willed me to suffer.

"There must have been some mistake. Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs..."

Ever since I was a child,

"Careful, I heard that people like her steal wixen magic to perform their own!"

Life has shown over,

"Let's see how long she'll last anyways. I bet she'll transfer within a week"

And over,

"Great, just what we needed. A useless witch who can't win us any house points"

And over again,

"Go back to your muggles, sweetheart. You're better off there anyways"

How much it despised me.

"A mudblood? Here? That can't be! Just wait until my father hears about this!" 

But I wasn't going to let it keep on throwing me in the ringer any longer.

"A spoiled blond with too much to say? How predictable" I began with a roll of my eyes, locking eyes with the boy in front of me. "You can sneer all you want, but I'm not here to please you."

I sat down, keeping my back straight and my gaze forwards, before locking eyes with every other sneering face on the table, and only lowered it once my defiance was loud and clear.

"If you're looking for someone to push around, keep looking. I'm not going anywhere."

Because life could throw a mean punch, but I could dodge just as quickly.