What If (What if I loved you)

Chapter 10

"After surviving the storm, we learn to dance in the rain and savor the beauty of every drop." -Unknown

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I wake up, my senses gradually returning to me like shards of a fragmented dream. The sterile scent of a hospital room permeates the air, and the soft hum of machines whispers in the background. It takes me a moment to register where I am, to understand why I'm here, but then the memories come rushing back, a deluge of images and emotions that threaten to drown me.
The puddle of blood on the floor, dark and foreboding, haunts my thoughts. Panic and fear gripped me as the realization of what I'd done, what I'd almost done, sank in. My own mortality stared me in the face, and the abyss that I'd been teetering on the edge of had almost consumed me whole.
I blink, trying to clear the fog that shrouds my mind, and then it hits me like a tidal wave. Jake's voice, shaky and desperate, almost pleading, crackles in my memory. I can hear him on the phone, the urgency in his words, the raw emotion that I'd never heard from him before. He saved me, and I owe him my life.

I'd only wanted to ease the pain, to find a moment's respite from the relentless agony that had clawed at my soul. Cutting my wrists, it used to be a way to externalize the torment, to make it tangible, manageable. But I'd never intended to take it this far, to the brink of death itself. There was a time, a darker time, when I might have welcomed the idea of letting go, of escaping the ceaseless suffering that clung to me like a shadow. When I thought that maybe, just maybe, ending it all was the only way out. The pain was relentless, an ever-present weight pressing down on my chest, suffocating me. Loneliness was my only companion, and the world felt like a crushing weight I could never escape. My demons, they whispered in the shadows, promising me an end to the suffering.

But not now. Not anymore. As the hospital room comes into focus around me, I'm overwhelmed by a profound irony. In the throes of despair, on the precipice of losing everything, I've come to realize the beauty that life has to offer. The pain, though at times insurmountable, is a testament to my resilience. The loneliness that clings to me like a second skin is countered by the friendships I've forged, bonds stronger than I could have ever imagined. The world that had once felt like a crushing weight has transformed into an adventure waiting to be embraced.

Right now, I cling to the fragile thread of existence. Life, I've come to understand, can be achingly beautiful. In its most unexpected moments, it offers hope and light, like a delicate bloom pushing through the cracks in a concrete wall. I've been blessed, or perhaps fate has taken pity on my fractured soul, for I've crossed paths with remarkable people who have become my refuge. The Lost Heirs, are not just colleagues; they're my family. There's Jake, whose soothing presence has pulled me from the abyss countless times. Jonghyun, with his infectious laughter and unwavering support. Jiwoo, whose kindness knows no bounds. Soobin, whose wisdom belies his years. Minhyuk, whose music resonates with my very core. Chan, whose smile can chase away even the darkest clouds. HyunKi, whose humour is a lifeline in the storm. And Seonjii, whose friendship I hold dearer than words can express. I'm living my dream job, in the country I'd always yearned to visit. My life is a symphony of dreams fulfilled, and the colours of hope have eclipsed the darkness.

As I lie here in this sterile room, the antiseptic scent clinging to my skin, I can't help but marvel at the irony of it all. Paradoxically, it's in this moment of deepest despair that I'm reminded of life's exquisite beauty. As I gasp for breath, I finally realise the brilliance of a life worth living. It's in the smiles of the friends who have stood by me, in the music that has been my sanctuary, in the dreams I've chased and caught. Life is precious, fragile, and achingly beautiful, even in its most tumultuous moments. After almost taking my own life, I'm finally seeing life's beauty, its vibrancy and complexity, like a vivid painting slowly being unveiled.

In this moment, I understand that life is worth living, even in the face of despair, even with the demons that may never fully release their grip. It's a journey filled with moments of light and dark, pain and joy, solitude and connection. And as I close my eyes and breathe in the hospital air, I make a silent promise to myself to embrace every facet of this existence, to cherish the beauty that life has to offer, and to honour the second chance I've been given.