Piece of mind

01

I was driving the members to their next schedule after a long day. They were really tired but still asked so many questions since it was only the second time I drove them somewhere. The first time I met them their actual manager was with them so they couldn't ask many questions because they would probably get scolded by their manager. But this time they asked anything they wanted to know, for example how I came to be a substitute manager, what I did before as a job and so many more questions. It didn't bother me much. I was a new face that they never saw so I thought it was relatable and justified to ask many questions. But one of the questions left me speechless not because the question was inappropriate but because I really didn't have an answer to it. Jake asked what my family was like. I didn't know how to answer so I stayed quiet. He asked politely if my family situation was too difficult to talk about. It wasn't like I had no family or my family had some problems I didn't want to talk about but my family simply didn't feel like a family, were we even a real family? It didn't bother me much, I was just caught off guard and it wasn't a topic I would talk voluntarily about. So I just answered that I have two older siblings, parents and a cat. The most basic answer. I think they all noticed how I avoided going deeper into the topic about my family. To change the atmosphere in the car one of the members asked if I had a boyfriend. I laughed and said that I don't have one. Me? A boyfriend? I didn't know what love felt like, I didn't understand how you could love someone so much, that you would want to cherish and protect them. Of course I didn't say that to them. How could I? They must experience love multiple times, from their fans, from their family and maybe even from a partner and I didn't want them to explain to me how they feel being loved because I never experienced it nor could I understand the emotions from feeling loved or loving someone. After that they all minded their own business like listening to music or sleeping because the next schedule was for the upcoming album where they wanted to show their fans the effort they put into preparing the album. So they all fell asleep after a while. I liked the silence, which didn't burden me like a conversation would. Out of the blue I heard Riki ask a question I again had no answer other than a lie prepared.

"You don't want to be our manager just because you enjoy working with famous people right" Riki asked

What should I answer? I don't know why I wanted to be one either.

"I simply enjoy working with idols because the process of making the music and an album and the development of their careers fascinates me." I answered. An obvious lie of course.

"That's a lie." He answered.

I was shocked and too overwhelmed to answer. What good excuse could I even make that would make him believe me. So I just stayed silent. Strangely it didn't seem to bother him that I didn't give him an answer. Maybe he expected no answer?

After we arrived at our destination I kept my distance from Riki, I couldn't get over the fact that he saw through me. Nobody else ever questioned my actions or my words. Maybe because I didn't talk often? Or never really needed to justify my words? Maybe that's why I wasn't ready for being doubted. So I stopped every unnecessary involvement with Riki. I wasn't ready to understand him or myself just yet.

Did it bother him that I kept a certain distance from him? I think it did. He asked me more questions about work, luckily not personal questions though, he wanted me to give him stuff, I needed to bring him his water even though so many other staff members were on set, I needed to hold onto his belongings while he was filming. He tried to close the distance that I was trying to build between us. Did it bother me? I don't know. I didn't understand why he was trying so hard to keep me somewhat close. Because he wanted an answer to his question? I didn't know why he would do something like that. Was he that curious about my real answer? Or maybe I was just there? Maybe trustworthy for the tasks he assigned to me? Again my thought didn't end, they kept coming and going without a distinct answer to them. Why did he confuse me like that? Purposely? Did he do that so I might answer his question? But never could I ask him why he did that. It would make me even more confused. I already knew I wouldn't understand the reason he would give me. Even if it would be the simplest thing like just because it was my job.

After a while I started to accept it, even though it still confused me sometimes. I accepted it with the thought it was my job. My job. Helping them and making sure they're comfortable while they are doing their job. We both didn't start a conversation with each other without a work related reason. I guess Riki asked the question on a whim, without thinking much about it so I didn't feel the need to break my head over something he wasn't serious about. Abruptly he stopped interacting with me, he only talked to me if it was really needed. Maybe it had something to do with his injury?

Some time later, shortly before the promotion of their new album started, Riki got hurt. He hurt his foot which meant he needed to rest, couldn't practice, couldn't perfect his performance he worked so hard for. His passion was dancing. Everyone knew that, he loved it with all his heart, it meant the most to him, to show his fans how much effort he put into making and perfecting his self made choreography for their new song. He didn't show it much but everyone knew he had a hard time coping with the sacrifice he needed to make, resting. In his mind it was the worst sacrifice he could make, even worse than giving up. The effort he put into the performance might be lost due to his injury. With this mindset he went through the days, not noticeable for others. They all thought that he just felt down for a while because he couldn't perform in front of his beloved fans and show them how hard he worked. They encountered him that he only needed to rest for a while and could perform like normal with the members in a little while. They didn't realize that Riki lost himself slowly while resting. Resting meant falling behind. Falling behind with the work he loved so much. Falling behind with improving himself and showing a better self to his fans. He couldn't show his passion and his achievements to his fans he worked so hard for what weighed him down a lot. But somehow for one person it was rather easy to understand. Why?

I noticed how he changed. He didn't give it his all anymore. He still tried tho but how could he, he had no reason to show it to anybody anymore, only to himself what wasn't enough for him. He saw his achievements he worked hard for go basically to waste. How would I know how he felt though? I don't know either? Maybe we were more similar than I thought. Or I just felt the same for a while too. I also saw my passion go to waste because I had no one to show it to anymore or did I even have someone to show it to from the beginning? I just guessed how he would feel even though I didn't understand myself when I felt that way. So how could I understand him so well now? Why did I even try to understand him? I thought I wanted to keep a distance from him because I was bothered by him, his actions and his words. Did I pity him in the short moment he was close to breaking? Maybe. Maybe I did.

That didn't change until the sudden call Ryeong got in the middle of the night one day.