The Horror I Call My Life

Dear Neil.

Listen Neil, i know you fucking hate me and want me to die and stuff and think I'm horrible and all that but i cant stand seeing us like this Yeno, we used to be dead close before we were together and then we did get together and now i have lost it all. Look Neil, ik what i said to Rachel and claire was fucking disgraceful and Ik i sounded fucking horrible and I'm going to say sorry as soon as I'm finished writing this because, i want to say sorry to you first for everything. Ik my behaviour was horrible but, I was angry at them for my own reasons not because im upset with you so you didn't have to get involved especially like that. It's the worst thing to have someone you love telling you to die and saying your the worst person in the world but its worse knowing every single word you said is true, i know it was all true and i hate myself for every word of it thats why I'm going anger management and possibly counselling because, i want to stop being horrible because i know deep inside i'm a nice person and you do as well since you have stuck with me for a whole year so you obviously thought i was nice otherwise you wouldn't have, its just when someone does the tiniest thing, i get angry and its completely my fault. I also get jealous about everything and overprotective but I'm trying to stop it or, just think about it in my head and not having a go at everyone else which will take a little time but Ik i can do it if i try hard enough. What i said to claire and Rachel was unexceptable but, i have never once told anyone especially someone depressed and suicidal that i want them dead or want to kill them because, thats worse than whatever i said and i may have seemed fine with it but i was a fucking mess yeno because your opinion means a lot to me.
Now earlier on, I understand i shouldnt have got angry and upset and im extremely sorry. I was so angry because i was mid fucking anxiety attack and i couldnt handle anything but im sorry i done that when i shouldnt of because it was a dick move and i understand that. I shouldnt have said you never talk to me when i never talk to you, yeno when we were out that day i was on my phone because i didnt know what to do, im not used to affection not one bit its new to me and i didnt know what to do because it was all new to me. I was also trying to hide in my inner fangirl because i was so happy i may not have seemed it but, that was me hiding it, as soon as you turned around i was majorly fangirling tbh ive never felt so special before it was all new to me and i didnt know what to do or say.
Neil, I know i probably have -infinite chance with you now but its worth a try, neil im so so so so so sorry for everything ive done, not just to you but everyone i am sorry, neil im changing and ik that wont change anything but i am changing and it may be slowly but im getting there. Neil i have never once lied to you except when i liked you before we were together, i have loved you everyday more and more just by seeing you, you honestly drive me insane, you make me feel like i never have before, you were my other half and i loved you to the moon and back, we would have the funniest chats, sexual banter we would have emotional chats and all you can imagine, you have made me uncontrollsbly blush and smile to many times to count you honestly take my breathe away at times, even though we argued that just means it wasnt a relationship full of lies which was good. Right after the silly arguments we would be back to our bubbly selves.
Neil i love you to the moon and back,
I love you more than romeo loved juliet,
I love you more than peter pan loves to stay young
You were the missing piece of my jigsaw called my life and i found you. I finally found the perfect boy for me. Neil no matter what happens from here i will always care about you. If you got hurt i would be one of the first people there, if someone hurt you i would kill them, if you were upset i would comfort you or atleast be upset because youre upset. Neil we have been through to much from the converstation in the mud to the cute ass snapchats when i was in canada to the kiss on the head we have been through so many good times and i cant risk loosing every single one of them because there are plenty more but naming them would make this to long.
And i never said i wanted you. Yeno when you said her royal highness cant get what she wants. I never said i wanted you. I said i needed you. Need and want are different, want is when you have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for yet, need require (something) because it is essential or very important rather than just desirable. And i said i needed you, not wanted you because neil ik you dont care but i need you in my life because; your funny, your kind, your personality is cute af and you understand me and you are always there for me. Neil i would risk anything to get you back in my life i would completely change as a person as a whole just say the word i would try to its just i need YOU in my life no one else you dont know how much you actually mean to me. Please neil i need you in my life and i need you as a person and i promise on my dead nans life that i wont mess up again and if i do you can fuck me right of.
I know this wont do much but remember neil, i love you so much and care about you even if you dont give a shit anymore every word i have wrote is true, this may not do much but i needed to tell you my feelings. I'm sorry for everything and i love and miss you. Cheddar.

P.S unblock me on IG and whatsapp and stop running away from what you started because you started it all this time.