The Butterfly Effect (2020)

twenty-four

  While Lloyd's surprise visit certainly had me tickled pink, he couldn't afford to stay long, which had me more so swathed in blue.

He only managed to stay for a couple of hours before heading off again to his team, but not without leaving me with a kiss and a promise to keep in touch.
His promise didn't stick.
By now, it had almost been six months since Wu went missing, and my anxiety had become something I began to live with on the daily. Sometimes I found that I'd even forgotten to breathe for simply no reason. The sheer amount of university work certainly didn't help matters. Even without the whole missing Sensei situation, I still would've felt as if I was drowning.
I worried Chen and Ambrose - the only two who I'd confessed my mental struggles with - but I assured them that I was fine.
They were not convinced.

And I guess that's how I landed up at the campus therapist's office.

I sat at on the couch and stared at everywhere except the therapist lady. The room was a calming yet sterile beige with the shelves and corners laden with indoor greenery. I supposed it was an effort to create a calming atmosphere. I found myself counting leaves rather than focusing on the stern expression of the woman before me.
She reminded me of Mistaké. The constitution, I mean. All straight-to-the-point, yet empathetic. No-nonsense, yet kind.
But her brown eyes seemed to be piercing right through me.
"What do you prefer to be called?" she asked, beginning the meeting after a quick once over. I was scruffy. Just-washed hair and an oversized, well-loved green hoody, baggy jeans and old converse that had a hole on the toe. I could imagine what I looked like.
"Just Y/n's fine," I murmured, and found myself wondering what the hell I was doing in this too-clean, plant-littered room.

The doctor shifted on her seat and brought my attention back to her. In contrast to me, her hair was in a tight ponytail and was wearing a pinstripe blazer with beige pants. She looked chic. She looked like how I wished I did.
One day, Y/n. One day, you'll look that put together and in control.
The couch was a neutral brown colour that complimented the room. Dark enough to stand out without being overbearing. It was another one of those calming browns - of Mum's hot chocolates, or of the dirt from the backyard you used to play in when you were younger. It more so reminded me of Misako's brown eyes, which still had a comforting effect on me, anyway.
"Okay, Y/n," she began. "I'm Doctor Shawn, but you can just call me Shawn or Doc, if that makes you comfortable."
I didn't know how to reply, so I only nodded. Shawn cleared her throat and continued.
"What's troubling you?"

"What isn't?" I began in a helpless laugh before quickly regretting my impulsive answer when Shawn raised her brows. "I- I mean, that's just... a joke. Gen Z stuff, y'know?"
Shawn didn't look convinced. I'd never been a good liar. Or comedian, it seemed. And here I thought that my humour was my best attribute.
"Uh..." I began, stalling for time as I tried to get my thoughts in order. How could I spill my struggles when so much of said struggles had to be kept secret? "I- I guess I just... have a lot going on at the moment that I'm struggling with balancing."
"Can you elaborate on that?"
'Well, first thing's first, my boyfriend is the green ninja and I haven't heard from him in four months.'
I bit my lip and stared at the little coffee table between us. It had a wide array of small objects and devices to fidget with within a neat wicker basket. I found myself reaching for one without realising it.
"My grades haven't been too good," I began as I stared at the fidget cube with a frown. "I've been studying and studying, but none of it seems to be sticking."
"Have you been sleeping well?"
"No," I admitted. "Been too busy thinking."

"About what?" Shawn asked with a tilt of her head. Her inquisitive eyes - blue, I think, but didn't look back up to check - stared at me without waning.
"My boyfriend," I confessed. "He's been really busy lately. Too busy to see or contact me. He's, uh... a soldier. For the military."
"That's impressive," Shawn said as she quickly scribbled something down on her notebook. "What does he do?"
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. "Airforce."
"He must get good views."
"Yeah," I agreed with a nod. Just not in a jet. "A- anyway, he's been on this big mission. Can't take his phone. It's been four months."
"And this is making you worried?"
I nodded. "Very."
"Making you stay up at night?"
"Yes."
Shawn regarded me for a few beats before reclining back in her sofa. Her pen tapped on the open page of her notebook, and I watched each arc and tap as if it were hypnotic.