Before I knew you

Dreaming After all

The New Zealand landscape stretched out before Namjoon. He had always found solace in nature, but today, the vast expanses of greenery and rolling hills did little to ease his mind. 

The BTS members were in the middle of filming season four of Bon Voyage - their reality show that took them to different parts of the world. It was supposed to be a time for them to relax, to experience new cultures and bond as a group. But for Namjoon, it had become a reminder of the widening gap between him and Myla.

Everywhere he went, there were cameras. The crew captured almost every moment, from the candid laughs he shared with the other members to the quiet, contemplative times when he wished he could just take a moment for himself. He knew it was part of the job, part of the life he had chosen. But lately, it felt like that life was closing in on him, leaving little room for anything - or anyone - else.

Namjoon glanced at his phone, which he had barely managed to check all day. There were a few new messages from Myla, and he could almost feel her warmth through the screen. She had sent him a photo of a new painting she was working on, followed by a short message.

"Hey, Namjoon! I know you're busy, but I just wanted to share this with you. Hope you're doing okay. Miss our long chats. Talk soon? - Myla"

Namjoon sighed, guilt gnawing at him. He typed a quick response, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.

"That painting looks amazing, Myla! Sorry, things have been really hectic on my end. I miss our talks too. Hopefully, we can catch up soon. - Namjoon."

But even as he sent the message, he knew it lacked the depth he wanted to convey. He hated being vague, hated not being able to share more about his life with her. But how could he explain that he was being filmed nearly every minute of the day, that his every word and action was analysed by millions of fans? How could he teach her Korean when he could barely find a consistent time in his schedule to eat or sleep?

The time difference between them didn't help either. When he had a rare free moment to himself, it was often the middle of the night in London. Their once long, thoughtful letters had dwindled to short, sporadic messages, leaving Namjoon feeling more distant from Myla than ever.

That evening, after a long day of filming, Namjoon found himself alone in his room. The rest of the members were either out exploring or relaxing in their own ways, but all he could think about was the mounting frustration within him. He picked up his phone again, staring at Myla's last message. She had been so understanding, so patient, but he could sense the growing distance between them, a gap that neither of them seemed able to bridge.

He opened the draft of the Korean lessons he had been preparing for her, but the words blurred on the screen. He wanted so badly to keep this connection alive, to teach her his language, to share his world with her. But how could he, when his world was so inaccessible, so heavily guarded?

Namjoon rubbed his temples, feeling the weight of it all pressing down on him. He had always known that being an idol meant making sacrifices, but it was only now that he realised just how much he had given up. Friendships, relationships, even the simple act of being open with someone he cared about. It all seemed impossible in the life he led.

The next day, the BTS members gathered early for another day of filming. They were all in high spirits, joking around and enjoying the scenery. But Namjoon felt a sense of detachment, as if he were going through the motions without truly being present.

As the cameras rolled, capturing their every move, Namjoon couldn't help but feel a deep sense of resignation. He had always believed that he could balance his life as RM with his personal desires, that he could find a way to be both a global superstar and a normal person. But as he watched the sun set over the New Zealand horizon, he realised how lonely that path had become.

That night, as he lay in bed, Namjoon resigned himself to the truth he had been avoiding: that his life as an idol might be too demanding, too consuming, to allow for anything more. Perhaps it was his fate to remain lonely, to keep people at a distance, no matter how much he wanted to let them in.

He stared at his phone one last time before closing his eyes, a wave of sadness washing over him. He hadn't replied to Myla's latest message yet. What could he say? How could he explain that he wanted to be there for her, but couldn't? He typed out a few words, then deleted them, feeling defeated.

Finally, he settled on a simple message.

"I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk much. Things are really busy here. I hope you understand. I miss our talks. I miss you. - Namjoon."

With a heavy heart, Namjoon hit send and placed his phone on the nightstand. He closed his eyes, trying to push the thoughts of Myla, of the life he wanted but couldn't have, out of his mind.