Violet

11. I Am a Mistake.

Toby told me that he works in a music store, adding that he doesn't even get weekends off. I barely had time to wonder how he managed to leave the city to meet me for two nights in a row, when he clarified that the store also belonged entirely to him.

You can earn money in any way you choose. If it's through your own business — even better. The specific nature of your business doesn't matter much, as long as it brings in money. But for Toby, things were different; it had meaning. For some reason, he confided in me that he'd always had a deep interest in music and had dreamed of becoming a musician.

"Why didn't you?" I asked him.

By this time, I had almost completely hidden under the blanket, expecting that Toby might start telling me some horrors—vampire horrors. And maybe those were still ahead of me, but for now, Toby began talking about his career, perhaps so I could get to know him better if we were truly meant to be together.

He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning his shoulders and head against the wall behind him. He exhaled as if my question had stirred some tragic memory. Looking up at the ceiling, he sighed heavily.

"We can't always get what we want in the exact form we expect, Violet," he said, sharing a truth I didn't yet fully understand. "If your life goals and dreams exist among people, you will inevitably attract their attention. It's unavoidable if you're a musician, right?" He paused, straightening his head and looking back at me. In the darkness, I couldn't make out his face, especially from a distance—just his eyes, glowing faintly. "And that's out of the question. I can't let a large number of people notice something about me—discrepancies, things they won't understand, things I won't be able to erase from their memories afterward. Unless..." He didn't finish his thought, instead asking me, "What do you dream of becoming, Violet?"

Now, the reason behind Toby's unusual, sometimes even extravagant appearance, which I had noticed every time we met, became clear to me. I had actually been thinking all this time that he looked more like a rock star than anything else... except maybe a "fashion monster," if such a term even existed.

Even today, his long, tousled hair and bangs seemed styled deliberately. He wore three necklaces around his neck and his entirely black outfit—shirt, jeans, shoes—didn't make him blend in; instead, it made him stand out even more.

Perhaps to think better, I also looked up at the ceiling, getting comfortable on the pillow, and fell silent. I didn't have any dreams specifically tied to what I wanted to become someday. But most often, I thought about wanting to be a veterinarian. I wanted to take care of small dogs and large birds. But there were three big "problems" with that idea: I was bad at chemistry, I didn't know biology at all, and... potential contact with animals, even daily, was not recommended for me. In general, the risks were too high for me to follow this dream. So, I had crossed my possible future profession off the list of important dreams. It just didn't matter to me anymore who I would become.

"My stepfather has a friend, and this friend has a company..." I started to explain to Toby in response to his question. "They deal with transportation and stuff like that... I was kind of promised a spot there."

"I'm not quite following you," Toby drawled. "I mean, I can't picture you in that field."

He probably thought I would be working in some sort of transportation job, either in a port or at an airport, simply because I had trouble expressing myself clearly.

"Look, they'll give me a laptop first..." I started with what seemed easiest for him to visualize. "I'll sit there and fill out all kinds of important papers, pay bills..." Quickly scratching my sunburned nose, I continued. "To be honest, I don't really know what I'll be doing there. I just know there's a possibility and it's the most likely one. I guess I'm lucky." I concluded safely, finishing my explanation.