A Court Of Fire And Darkness

1. ~ The Coldest Flame ~

Nesta Archeron

The memory of my father's death was a wound that refused to heal, festering beneath the surface of my skin, a constant reminder of everything I had lost-everything I had failed to do. His death was quick, at least.

But it wasn't just his death that haunted me, that twisted the knife of guilt deeper with every breath I took. It was the weight of all the choices that had led us to that moment. The years I had spent in cold, bitter silence, letting Feyre carry the burden of our survival. I had been the eldest; it should have been me out in those woods, me who hunted to keep us alive. But I had let her go, time and time again, watching as she put her life in the hands of luck to put food on our table, watching as the light in her eyes dimmed with every passing day.

I had never said a word, never voiced the anger and fear that festered in my heart. I had buried it deep, pretending it didn't exist, convincing myself that I was doing what needed to be done. But now, looking back, I could see it for what it was-cowardice. A cowardice that had kept me silent, that had kept me from standing up, from protecting the people I loved.

And then there was the curse of what I had become-what I had been forced to become. Turned into a High Fae, with powers that reeked of death, of destruction. I had been human, mortal, fragile, and now I was something else entirely, something monstrous. The power inside me was dark and cold, a relentless force that clawed at the edges of my sanity, that threatened to consume me whole.

I hated it. Hated what I had become, hated the immortality that stretched before me like a prison sentence. I had never asked for this, never wanted it. To be fae, to be like them-those who had taken everything from me. I was trapped in this body, in this life, with no escape, no way to return to who I had been before.

The rage was always there, simmering beneath the surface, threatening to boil over at any moment. It wasn't just anger at the world, at the cruel twist of fate that had brought me to this point-it was anger at myself. For my silence, for my weakness, for every choice I had made that had led to this moment.

I had tried to scream, to cry, to rage against the world that had taken him from me, but nothing came out. It was as if the grief had turned me to stone, hollowed me out and left me cold. My sisters had tried to reach me, to pull me back from the abyss, but their voices were muffled, their touch distant. I was lost in a storm of my own making, and I didn't know how to find my way out.

I stopped caring about anything-about everything. The world could burn for all I cared. I spent my days in silence, staring out the window of my home in Velaris, watching the world go by as if it were a play I had no part in. Food lost its taste, sleep eluded me, and the warmth that had once filled our home now felt suffocating. The city of starlight, they called it. But all I saw was darkness.

And then Feyre came to me with her plan. The plan that, at the time, seemed nothing short of absurd.

"Please, Nesta," she had said, her voice gentle but firm. "Just one night. It might help... to get out, to be around people again."

I had scoffed at the idea, the very thought of it ridiculous. A ball? Surrounded by laughter and music and meaningless chatter? How could she think that would make anything better? But Feyre was persistent. She had always been the strong one, the one who fought tooth and nail for what she believed in. And she believed that this ball could somehow pull me back from the edge.

"It's in the Hewn City," she had added, as if the location made it any more appealing. "Rhys wants to strengthen relations with the Autumn Court. It's important."

Important. I had nearly laughed in her face. Nothing was important anymore. Not to me. But the look in Feyre's eyes, the worry and the pain she was trying so hard to hide, it gnawed at the hollow space inside me. She was doing this for me. Trying to save me, as she had saved all of us so many times before.