Be My Fighter (part 2 of 'First responder, second love')

Chapter 1

    "Do you have everything?" I hear when I put my bags in the back of the car.
    "I do," I answer while I close the back of the car and walk up to the passenger side. I open the door and get in.
    "Are you ready to go?" the person next to me asks, and I nod my head. It will feel a bit weird; going home, back to my life with Malia and Holly. But I'm looking forward to seeing them again, it has been too long. I've spent most of my time at a psychiatric institute, where I worked on my trauma; which wasn't easy. The first couple of weeks, I had a hard time with opening up in the group sessions. I kept being afraid to go back to those memories, scared that they would never go away. I couldn't get rid of the images, the way he touched me, kissed me, even the way he looked at me. When I started to open up; talk about what happened to me, some of the images started to fade. I know they're not all gone, but I started to feel like myself again, I started to feel okay again. I'm really glad that I went away, because I needed the help, help they couldn't give me back home. It was hard leaving, and I cried in the car, on my way to the psychiatric hospital. I left so many people I cared about behind. My two best friend Malia and Holly, they are like family. I left my co-workers behind, Alex Karev who is so much more than just someone I work with. I never even said goodbye to some of my new friends, and I never really talked to Eddie before I left. Did he miss me? And then there is Buck, the one I didn't even want to say goodbye to, if I'm being honest. It took the little strength that I had to let go of him, and leave him behind, standing there, surrounded by firetrucks.
    "How are you feeling?" the person next to me asks. "How do you feel about going home?" That's a question I can answer now, which I didn't think I could ever do. I feel good about going home, being there in my apartment, on the couch watching a movie with Malia and Holly. I can't wait to go back to work, working alongside people like Alex and Jo. I promised myself I would take it easy and take my time. I'm not going back to work immediately; I'm going to start slowly. So, I can't wait to be home again, where I belong.
    "I can't wait to see Malia and Holly again, I really missed them", I answer.
    "They missed you too," and that makes me smile a little. It has been more than a year since I've left, but I'm ready to go back to my life again. After I finished my treatment at the hospital, I went on to stay at my dad's house for a while. He took some time off work, and we spent a lot of time together. We visited my moms crave a couple of times, and we started talking about her again, and it felt really good. Memories of my mom baking her famous chocolate chip cookies, redecorating the whole living room just because she felt like it, or coming home with a dog because she always wanted one when she was a child, are now things that make me smile. I loved how impulsive she could be, how she wanted to be her own person, and how she just wanted to have fun in her life. She loved her work as a social worker, helping families who were struggling. She was such a good person. She was generous, kindhearted, funny, and very spontaneous. Even though, I still miss her, it doesn't hurt as much.

    "We're almost there," I hear next to me. I feel myself getting a bit nervous, but they're the good ones. The ones who are looking forward to what's to come, to a new beginning, or a restart. I'm not quite sure what's waiting for me. Of course, Malia and Holly will be happy to see me, I've been talking to them for the last few weeks. Is everyone waiting for me, or did they move on? I know I left, and with that I left Evan behind. I wanted him to move on with his life, because I had no idea if I would be in it ever again. Do I still feel like that? Do I still hope that he moved on with his life, or do I hope he waited for me. Would that make me a bad person?

He was the first guy I fell in love with after Ben died, but did I ever say the L-word? Did either of us ever say it? Would that even matter? We both knew that we were serious about each other, that we cared about each other. My heart feels a little heavy when I think about Buck. He literally saved my life the day we met. When I thought I was about to die he was there, his voice calmed me, and his hand took me to safety. He saved my life in more than one way. He made me fall in love again, and maybe I fell a bit hard. I wanted so badly to be okay, to be the one he was looking for, but it all went down. I think I never had the time needed to find out if I was the one for him, if I belonged with him or someone else.
When I was with Ben, it felt so easy, we were friends who became more, just like Buck and me, but something felt different. Evan and I had our ups and downs, maybe more downs than ups. With Ben, we were just in love; madly in love, but it was my first love ever. So, maybe that's the difference, and it has nothing to do with if we belong together or not. I'm older now, life is way harder, so maybe loving someone is too.
Now that I think about it, does it really matter anymore? Buck and I aren't a thing right now, are we even anything anymore?