A Court of Starfall & Deception - An ACOMAF Rewrite

Chapter 10

"What the hell happened?" Rhysand asked before the Night Court had fully appeared around us.

"Why don't you just look inside my head?" My voice came out shaky, and I realized I was still trembling. I didn't bother shoving him away - I wasn't entirely sure I wouldn't collapse without the steady hold he had on me.

He said quietly, "Because these days, all I hear through that bond is nothing. Silence. Even with your shields up rather impressively most of the time, I should still be able to feel you. And yet I don't. And then tonight, I'm in the middle of an important meeting when terror blasts through the bond. All I get are glimpses of you and him – and then nothing. Back to silence. I'd like to know what caused that spike of fear, the destruction and the scene I just walked in on."

Tired. I was so – tired.

"It was an argument." Was all I could manage. My hands were still trembling.

He gave me a pointed look, concern in those violet star-flecked eyes as his tone softened, "Did he hurt you?"

I swallowed, my voice unsteady. "No. I ...I'm sorry I interrupted your meeting." I dropped his hand, stepping away.

This was such a mess.

"You –" He cut himself off, taking a slow breath. "Feyre, you have nothing to apologize for. Forget the meeting." His voice was calm, but his eyes searched mine, trying to piece together what I wasn't saying. "What kind of argument leads to that kind of destruction?"

I shook my head, struggling to find the words. "It got... out of hand. I – " My voice broke and I clamped my mouth shut, tears threatening to spill over. Damn it all, I'm a mess. I shouldn't have said anything. "It was nothing," I offered instead. Because it was. It was just a bad day - for both of us. A really bad day.

I glanced sidelong at him - and rage, not worry - flickered in those eyes. 

I could have sworn the mountain beneath us trembled in response.

The clarity I'd had in the wake of Tamlin's outburst was dulling back to that familiar haziness. How had I let it get this out of hand? How could I have pushed him so far? Things would only get worse, now that Rhysand had whisked me away...

"You're safe here," He finally said when he realized I wasn't going to say anything else. "Rest tonight. We'll talk more tomorrow."

I headed for the stairs that would take me to my room, and by the time I crawled into bed I felt wholly empty inside.

***

Hours later a throbbing headache made me wish for the coldness that was outside those glassless windows to blast through the room, clear the fog, and cool my raging thoughts.

I had ruined everything. 

In my desire to be heard, I'd pushed Tamlin to such an extreme I wasn't sure there was a way to come back from it. If the people of the Spring Court lost me, lost the hope of our union – the Saviors of Prythian – what would become of them? How would they heal, knowing even we were too far broken and beyond repair?

Shame. Guilt. Anger. Fear. They all swirled inside me, raging out of control.

I was drowning, drowning, drowning. Lost and left adrift in a mighty, roiling ocean meant to swallow me down beneath its mighty waves.

An ocean of red.

Red, like Amarantha's hair. Red, like the blood of that Fae youth I'd stabbed.

The weight of that sunk into me too, leeching through my bones. The knowledge that, had it truly been an illusion, someone, anyone would have told me by now. Would have said the words. Everyone looked at me the way they did because they knew, they knew I was a cold-blooded killer. I hadn't even paid homage to their families, their loved ones. I was as bad as Amarantha had been. I'd killed Andras as that mighty wolf, let my father skin him and sold that pelt –