Gladiolus

1- cursed self

 

Is it even possible to curse your own self. Maybe or maybe not. You thought as you watch, children your age running around carelessly on the playground. Are they really happy. Or are they really good at showing others that they are happy. Who knows... but you missed those smiles in your own face. You knew those smiles were real. You knew too well to know the difference between those.

You have to go to home, but you don't want to. That place doesn't feel like home now. Suddenly it just changed. You can say that you now never really have a place to call home. Though that is the place you live... it isn't home. Sometimes you wonder where did your home left to. Why it abandoned you.

Yes. Yes, you have made a mistake. That costed you the trust of your family. And with any of your efforts put to fix it, it just crumbles down even more. Sometimes human nature also betrays oneself. And it costed you everything. From that day you felt like you have lost a part of yourself. Afterall, if one's parents go on bragging a mistake you have done on your nose every day, it will slowly eat you alive.

Somehow you managed to get to your 'home'. A place where it feels like a prison. Hell, even you think that living in an actual prison will be better. You yourself is the oldest amongst your siblings. Basically, the third parent of the house. You really wished to protect your brothers but to the dismay they might have suffered more than you now. Not that your parents are strict or anything. but the actions have consequences. From the school to the home, you wanted to be their protector. Of Corse you can't do that. you blamed yourself each night for their pain. Only if you were a better person.

Sometimes you forget that you are your fathers first child. it's only natural that you inherited most of his genes. So as his anger issues. Though that yours isn't bad as his, there were times you yourself was afraid of your own rage. you slowly turned it into something else. You consumed it so well that it turned into your weakness. Resulting in many things. One, you can't argue to anyone. Even if you have a solid reason to do so. Second, you get emotional like a pregnant lady. What is wrong with you? Everything ...

As mentioned before the rage between your father and you became so intense one day that you lost your dad. Now you have a father only. of Corse there were many things that added fuel to the fire. One, your younger siblings. It wasn't really their fault, neither anyone's. But you can sense that your father has kind of put you afar after they came into the family. Being an only child before, did make you greedy... but you never said anything neither showed anything. As of now exactly ten years later... you can say you are pretty much losing your father too. You both became so distance that starting a conversation between two of you has become awkward.

On top of all of that lays the strong expectations of the family. As they say, the oldest should be a role model for the youngers. They should help them to bloom into the youth. But what about you? Your dreams... as a selfless person you are, you abandoned it. made yourself a doll. Trying to make others satisfied. Why you became that much selfless... you don't know.

But the only thing you know is... it will be the death of you. Someday it will. But for now, you just want to live... as a puppet or any other thing. You just want to see your sibling mature into a beautiful flower. After that maybe you can die in peace. Will you...

Your thoughts shut down as you hear the doorknob on the door to your room twisting... hurriedly wiped your tears as you make yourself look like nothing has happened. But from the inside everyday... your heart loses a small nerve from the pain. Slowly but steadily, truly making you a doll. A curse you put on yourself.