Gladiolus

4-father

Sitting in the dark cold room, with an aching heart. I looked at the closed door lifelessly, hopelessly, just wishing that someone will call for me... but will they ever. I have been standing like this for solid twenty minutes. My body refusing to move, my brain tells me to accept it but my heart, despite being slapped by reality, refused to everything. It held hope so high that it ended up hurting every memory I have with those people. Once my soul was full of warmth and love but after that day it was slowly being engulfed in the darkness.

I know I shouldn't have said that that day. It was a slip of mouth through the heavy emotions I had that day. I was unable to control both of those. I was a mess. But what can I do... I was just a mere child. Even though it was partially not my fault, why am I suffering like this. Why do I have to lose the person I have been most close to.

Slowly losing the strength in my legs I dropped down to the floor. Warm tears started following through my eyes, dropping to the floor. Creating a tiny pool of a soul's cry. I was loved by my father, until the day I wasn't. I should have known it. I was dangerously attached to him. You can say I was basically a daddy's child. But after some days, when my first sibling was born it, all went down. Suddenly he didn't have time for me. Despite me being an adolescent, I understood that it was probably that my baby sibling needed them most. I didn't complain. I never thought anything like that.

Until the day we fought and argued... I don't remember how it started, probably my mind found its own way to deal with that traumatizing thing. But I do remember the way he looked at me. The disappointment in his eyes stabbed me a thousand times more. I felt disappointed in myself. I felt rage, maybe because I never did anything wrong... all did was complain to him that he wasn't giving me any time. His having a bad temper resulted in this getting heated the most unexpected way. I was humiliated Infront of my extended family, it's not that they did anything wrong... they just stood there watching it... I am grateful that they don't speak about it anymore...

His continues love that I received as his child slowly decreased after said day. he became more distance to me... but I never dared to say anything... I don't want him to hate me or suffer from anything I say, in the end I am still his blood. But I now, as of today I don't remember any of the core memories I have mad with him before all this rucks. As much as I want to remember it I couldn't... slowly I am forgot how kind he was... I forgot who he was. Just like now.

My life haven't been better, but I sure will try to fix everything, someday when I am good enough to face it. it never is good to hold grudges even if it hurts you... forgive them. if you can. Or don't hold it against anyone.