Halfway Hotel

Fourteen

We get Hannah set up with a giant sundae and her tears are virtually forgotten as she makes a mess of herself, enjoying the frozen treat.

"So, when this has happened before we normally find a couple to kind of adopt the child for their stay" Elizabeth has pulled me off to the side to explain.

"Do you know any willing couples?"

She shakes her head, "Not without asking around."

I turn my attention back to Hannah, "What do you think is holding her back?"

Elzabeth sighs, "With children it's most often regret, not getting to grow up. That can take a while to work through. But I don't think that's the case for Hannah. She's still a kid, the ones who want to grow up usually appear the same age as the rest of us."

"Do you think it's okay to ask her? Is she even old enough to understand what's happened? If she doesn't know, how do we help her?"

Elizabeth frowns, "You're taking this harder than I expected, will you be alright?"

Perceptive woman. I am bothered. Knowing that there are children here and having a literal child sitting across from me are not the same. Limbo is no place for a child. "I'm going to talk to her."

Elizabeth looks nervous but doesn't stop me, "I'll be here if you need me."

I slide into the booth across from Hannah and return the smile she flashes me.

"This is yummy."

"I'm glad you are enjoying it."

She goes back to her snack with unhampered enthusiasm.

What am I doing? I have no idea how to talk to a child. I should have left this to Elizabeth.

Hannah kicks her feet under the table, the tip of her shoe bumping into my shin and the feeling of wrongness that inspired this course of action returns to me tenfold. Speaking with children may be uncharted territory for me, but unfortunately sometimes that is where we must go.

"Hannah, can I ask you a hard question?"

She pauses, whipped cream on her lips and chocolate sauce on her nose. A drop of bright blue ice-cream melts and drips from her spoon before she nods her head.

"Do you know how you got here, what happened before?"

Hannah stirs the remains of her sundae into a disgusting brown soup, "Yeah," she answers quietly, "I know," filling her mouth with the melted remains.

I take a breath and forge on, "Sometimes it's confusing, it has been for me, and it's okay if you don't, but do you know why you are here, at the hotel, and not- already in your new home?"

Hannah puts her spoon down and leans back in her seat, kicking her feet with more vigor, "It's not confusing, I'm just- scared."

I catch Elizabeth putting her hand over her mouth, fighting back tears I wish I could share in. I can't deal with children, they are so open and honest and in turn I end up far more invested than I wanted to be.

"It's okay to be scared, Hannah," I tell her tenderly, I don't want to frighten her further, but I feel the need to offer some comfort, so I lay my hand on the table, palm up, so she could take it if she wanted, "it's a big change." Apparently, the invitation was more inviting than I anticipated because the little girl dips under the table and pops back up on my side of the booth, winding her arms around me and crying into my chest. I am so lost, and God damn it I'm scared too. Scared I'll mess up. I can't mess this up, can't disappoint anyone, can't fail. This is why people are so hard to get close to, I give a little and then have to live up to all their expectations.