Messed Up Kids

u n o

IN THIS WEARY NIGHT, I find myself searching for quotes about change. Having my thoughts expressed beautifully by others, once I can't fathom mine into words, makes me feel like I'm not losing myself completely. Tonight I'm reading them to lessen this anxious feeling within me.

"There is nothing permanent except change."

This one is by the philosopher Heraclitus. I can't argue with the veracity of the sentence but it doesn't mean I am fond of change.

Lately, this phenomenon is really present in my life. Everything is changing drastically, and not in a making a retrospective of life and realizing that everything is different way but in a change is happening right in front of my eyes and I can't do anything about it way.

For instance, I recently got expelled from my school. The headmistress emphasized that I was being dismissed for my reckless behavior and by reckless behavior she meant the fact that I got in my geometry teacher's computer and took the test answers but ended up getting caught because my dearest ally got scared and didn't stay to watch if someone was coming. As a result of that I'm going to a new school in four hours.

People asked me why I did it but honestly I'm still not sure about the reason. Perhaps I did it because I forgot to study for the test I was going to have in two hours and I was awful at geometry, and even if I had studied I'd barely get a C. Perhaps it was because I was an attention seeker as almost everyone pointed out or perhaps it was because I couldn't be in that school anymore once I saw him everywhere. The reason doesn't matter anymore, nothing does, my action was a wrong one and now I have to deal with the consequences.

New school. My hands get sweaty, my mouth dry and my stomach twirls just by the thought of it. Most people aim for the new because it means a new beginning to recreate themselves, to get new opportunities. I, on the other hand, don't want a beginning. I just want an ending to all of this.

The negative thoughts start coming to the surface and they feel like waves in a stormy day hitting the rock that is my brain. My heartbeat accelerates. I impulsively pick my phone from the drawer and tap his contact number.

"Hey, this is Josh. I can't talk to you but you can talk to me."

The low rumble of his voice is comforting as it has the power to wrap me and manage to make everything not seem as bad as it is.

"Hey Josh... It's Sophie. I just wanted to hear your voice... but I guess your voicemail also works. Yeah... it was just that."

I hung up the phone and lay on my bed, unable to move nor to think. I clutch my phone as if it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

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I go into the kitchen and decide to fix myself a bowl of cereal. I sit at the granite counter and watch the flakes of cereal float around in the bowl full of milk. I watch them as they hit the edge of the bowl where the sudden realization of being trapped finally strokes.

After all, aren't we all trapped in a bowl?-

"Damn it Marie can't you let go of a day without arguing," my dad's booming voice slices my thoughts.  

"Then tell me how much did you lose," my mother's shrill tones electrify the air.

I know where this is heading, from now on they are going to have some kind of a war of words and who hurts the other worse wins. So I take the earphones from my jacket's pocket and plug them in, a sweet melody resonates in my ears even louder than my thoughts. The earphones split me apart from my parents' arguments. When I was younger, I used to hide underneath the blankets so I couldn't hear their rumbles. Now my blanket is music.