I was always number one.
Parents adored me, students looked up to me, and teachers liked me. I never meant to be this way, but gradually, I had built myself a reputation.
I was always number one, and no one has ever dared to take my spot. Not even the second place could keep up with me, and I never thought that there would be anyone who'd come close to me.
Until, he came.
He had soft brown eyes, a distinct smile, and a face that could light up the whole city.
He was cute, even for a man.
I wanted to get to know him.
But, I never saw him again.
Still, he remained in the back of my mind, and I occasionally thought of the boy who had soft brown eyes and a distinct smile.
One morning, the school was abuzz with discussion, and students gathered around the bulletin board.
I wondered what it was and made my way towards the center. The scores for the midterm exam were already posted.
My eyes made their way towards the top, and there I saw my name.
'Still number one,' I thought.
I looked at the name below me and was surprised. It was an unfamiliar name, with a score only a point below mine.
I felt a sense of urgency as I realized that the person was only two points away from taking my spot, and a point away for us to be even.
But then I grew curious: who was this man?
I looked back and briefly scanned the crowd behind me, until my eyes landed on a familiar face.
He had soft brown eyes.
It was him.
And as I followed his line of sight, I finally got to know him.
His name was below mine.
As the bell rang, the crowd dispersed, leaving only the two of us in the corridor.
I looked at him, and he looked at me back.
He gave me a perfunctory nod and a small smile.
"Congrats," he said, and walked away.
There, my heart skipped a beat. And as I saw his figure gradually blurring, I could only mutter, "You too."
For the rest of the day, I could not focus. All I could think about was his soft brown eyes, and his voice, which made my heart beat fast.
I never knew why my heart did it, but I didn't hate it. I wanted to keep seeing him, and experience the feeling only he has brought upon me.
But I didn't know anything about him. Only his name. So, I asked around.
I wish I didn't.
I became sick to my stomach as they blurted out harsh words about him rather than answering my question, and bad-mouthed him for daring to go against me.
They continued to say how I was angry and sad because of how close our scores were, and sympathized with me.
I never felt that way. I never hated him for that. He didn't deserve that when all he did was do his best.
They made him look like a fucking asshole. I didn't like that.
I screamed at them and taught them a lesson. I walked away with an angry heart.
And just when I thought that those words would stop, students were all talking about him the next day, and the next day, and the next day after.
I frequently saw him down the halls, and where he would go, gossip would follow.
I wanted to take him away from their judging words. I wanted to shelter him away from the rest of the harsh world.
Despite that, he remained unfazed. I was amazed at how he kept going despite all of this.
So, I observed him more. And before I knew it, I already had a notebook filled with everything about him.
His small habits are cute. The way he rubs his thumb when he thinks, the way he slightly skips when he walks, and the way he brushes his hair every five minutes, which I think he's unaware of.
In his free time, he likes to sketch and solve problems, and he always has his headphones on his neck.
He also doesn't like the food at the canteen, and instead brings his own lunch, which he eats in a small corner of the library while he reads a book. He particularly likes to read chemistry books, and I know he could be a good chemist.
If I were to answer a test about him, I knew I could ace it.
I was weirded out with myself. How could I watch a single man everyday to the point that I already know so much about him?
It was weird, yes. But I couldn't bring myself to stop. His every move, his every smile, his every laugh, seemed to have gotten me hooked.
Eventually, I realized something.
I like him.
Upon realizing my feelings, I quickly accepted it and decided to just continue observing him from afar.
I found myself creating instances where I can catch a glimpse of him, like what a lovesick girl would have done. I found it funny that I could do these things for a person, and a boy at that, but I didn't care anymore at one point, just as long as I could see him.
I spent my weekends seated at a table at the library, seeing finished assignments and a pile of books in the desk in front of me, and seeing his figure three tables away from me, reading chemistry books and taking occasional notes.
I thought that my feelings would be satisfied if I stuck to that and remained unknown, but after acknowledging my growing feelings for him, I started to want to approach him.
I wanted to be near him. I wanted to get to know him better. And I wanted to be the only person in this world that he could trust. I wanted to make him mine.
And just when I was about to make my first move, he suddenly disappeared.
He wasn't in the corner of the library, eating his lunch and reading a chemistry book.
He wasn't in the far part of the garden either, where he would sketch flowers and grass.
He wasn't in his seat, his class, or even in school.
He wasn't in my sight.
It made me restless. It made me panic. It made me feel as though a part of me was missing.
Seven days had passed since I hadn't seen him. I was lonely and down.
It was a weekend, and as I was going downstairs for lunch, I heard my dad call me.
"Son, come here," he said.
He pointed at the tv which played the local news, and what I heard next made my heart stop.
"A seventeen year-old boy was found at an abandoned cabin on the outskirts of the city. He had been missing for seven days, and his death was said to have been caused by a mixture of toxic chemicals that instantly killed the teen's body. The police are now looking into...."
I couldn't continue listening to the news and instantly went out of the house, my dad's voice calling me from a distance.
I have always thought you were going to be a great chemist, but not this way...
I was always amazed at how you remained unfazed, but were you just hurting inside?
Was it them who caused you this pain?
If I ever approached you while reading one of those books, would it have changed anything?
If I had just been brave and talked to you, would you have not killed yourself?
My Eli, would I have saved you?
When I arrived at the scene, my body was beyond exhausted.
It was chaotic, with many people dressed in white and vehicles that were constantly going off.
I tried to go past the yellow tape, but a guy got a hold of me and dragged me away. I sobbed and screamed, begging for them to take me to him, but they didn't listen.
Under their helpless and sympathetic gaze, I cried.
Until a group of people were pushing to get through, carrying a stretcher with a person in it.
As I saw his pale and skinny figure laying there covered with a blanket, my whole world shattered, and I rushed towards him.
They stopped me once again, and finally, I obliged.
I stood there, clenching my fists and staring at his figure through blurry eyes.
"Can I see his face for the last time?" I choked on my sobs and begged. They hesitated, until a hand gently lifted the cloth and exposed his face.
His eyes were gently closed. I should have looked at his eyes more, I never knew that I would never see his soft brown eyes again.
He looked tired.
But he looked peaceful.
He looked like he was sleeping.
He was indeed sleeping, forever.
