Fall for Your Type

The Journey to Tomorrow

"It's been years babe, I didn't know how much heartbreak I can endure." I said to my husband of 8 years. We cuddled together as I held a negative pregnancy tests.

An hour ago...

I felt off like I never felt this off. Something was different in this moment. I opened up my Flo app for it to reveal my period was 19 days late. How couldn't I have noticed this. I pulled a spare pregnancy test that I kept for testing just in case. I went and peed on the stick and capped it and wrapped it back in the tissue. I washed my hands and waited as it felt like ages had passed.

I felt like three minutes have passed and I took the test out the wrapper and there it lies... the DISAPPOINTMENT.

In bold words, NOT PREGNANT.

The hope I'd clung to for weeks felt like it was slipping through my fingers. The test was negative, and with it, my dreams of this new beginning seemed to shatter. I sank down, feeling the weight of my own heartache, as the quiet of the room seemed to echo my own sense of loss. I was so numb to the result over the past few years I couldn't even muster out a tear. I left t on the counter for my husband to see that I failed to carry a child. I laid in the bed and let the thoughts of never being a mom swallow me whole.

Present.

"We are going to get our baby. It's just not in Gods timing for us right now." My husband said.

"Zac, I know how much it's paining you to say this. You can go find someone who will give you a child. I can't give you the one thing you longed for since high school. You always wanted a little girl and I can't even give you an anything." I said as I felt the pain ache in my heart.

"We can always try alternative options baby. I know how much this is hurting you. It's not good for your mental. How about we stop trying and just let it happen naturally. We both been to the doctors and got tested we are perfectly healthy." My husband said to me. I laid my head on his chest.

"Okay we can do that." I said with a weak smile. I closed my eyes and just imagined us with a big family. I want 4 kids gender doesn't matter to me. I just want them.

"Father God, You are the source of all life, for You are life itself. Your heart is ever fixed on giving life and giving it abundantly. You conceive it. You deliver it. And you keep it safe in your embrace.
You teach me continually what it means to be a source of life, what it means to give life to others, without expecting anything in return. My heart now longs for its ultimate physical expression: a child.
Be gracious to me, Father, and listen to me, your daughter, for I have no life apart from You, and no purpose but to be Your servant. Open Your hand, and satisfy the desire of all those who wish to bring forth life. Allow me to conceive, deliver and embrace a child, just as You have conceived, delivered, and embraced me. In loving and knowing my child I will come to know you better, and I will love You all the more for it. Amen." I said as I the tears slowly fell from my eyes as I finished praying.

"Amen." My husband said.

18 weeks later...

"Baby can you come get me I don't feel good." I said to my husband while i was sitting in the classroom.

"I'm on my way baby just make your way to the office and I'll be waiting. Hopefully they can find you a sub." He said to me as I heard him trying to get on an elevator.

"Okay class I need y'all to do silent reading while I grab a hall monitor to watch y'all why I go home." I said to my 6th graders.

"Mrs. Taylor are you okay? You look pale." Braxton asked me.

"Braxton I'm fine I'm just not feeling the best this morning." I said as I was putting my things in my book bag.

I went to pull out my sub folder for the week and placed it on my desk.