Have you ever questioned your existence?
Have you ever wondered what's your purpose to live ?
Have you ever doubted you own decisions?
Have you ever thought that you are useless ?
Have you ever felt jealous of people around you even if you don't want to?
Have you ever thought of ending everything but you have no courage?
These are among many questions xiao zhan ask himself almost everyday.
He was adopted when he was 5 years old and since then he is living in this happy family of 4 excluding himself.
When he first got adopted by them he did
not know how to behave infront of them , he felt indebted to them till this date.
His adoptive mother was always strict with him but he never complained maybe because he has fear of them throwing him out.
When he turned 6 they admitted him in the same class as his brother zhou cheng, they both played together ate together but zhou cheng was better in studies and xiao zhan was little late in picking up on things..., he tried his best and gave his 100% but he still couldn't reach at the same level as his brother.
Whenever results were announced he felt the fear of his adoptive mother scolding and his adoptive father disappointed gaze
They used words to scold him at first like
"Useless , learn from your brother, Why your brain so slow? , why can't you learn thing ? , we are so ashamed of you , What will you do in future? , can you even go to college? etc... etc... "
As a child these words engraved in his mind , he tried his best in every exam but still can't reach at the same level as his brother or sister.
Once he was old enough and in high school , his adoptive mother and father started giving him punishments for not studying and never scoring in top 10, the punishments grew severe like slapping his head , his hand with ruler and also making him feel so small with words...
He felt useless and became scared , He didn't know how can he make himself intelligent and make them all proud.
Then it was time for his and zhuo cheng college entrance exams , he was scared not because of how well he will do in exam but what if he again failed and his adoptive parents start insulting him like always , so he did his best but he failed at first attempt ...
"Useless , your brother passed and you can't even pass a simple exam like that, now we have no hope for you we don't even know what you will do in future, you are ruining family name , next year will be your last chance otherwish just go do some labour work"
These are the things he heard again and again for whole year until next college exam came , he felt nothing now although those words still hurt him but he is used to them....
College entrance exam came and he was getting ready with lots of thoughts in his mind...
"Will i be able to do it?"
"Am i dumb?"
"Can i make them proud for once?"
"It's better if my life ends if the results are negative this time"
"But how can i do better , most of the people are more intelligent than me"
"Am i capable of anything?"
He didn't know but he started self doubting himself and questioning himself
He is scared to go infront of his adoptive parents what if they ask him how his preparation is ?
So he did one thing he thought he is atleast little bit good at
"running away without getting noticed"
It was week after college entrance exam and time for the results , he was biting his nails as his adoptive father was refreshing the said site for results
And it came
" he finally cleared his exams "
Zhan couldn't believe his eyes so he rechecked but he actually cleared his exam and can finally join college
Beijing university, the same university his adoptive brother and sister are studying at
For the first time in his 19 years he saw his adoptive parents smile and that was directed towards him
That's when he made his mind that no matter what happens in future he will score well for their validation, this is least he can give them for providing him food and shelter
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Sorry if there is any mistake, english isn't my first language and this is my first time writing
There will be lots of talks on sensitive topics in future such as suic**e , mental health and more
If you like this story do tell me and please vote that will encourage me to write more...
