My Fucked up Thoughts

Giving Up

A tear, slipping from my eye. I feel the water, making its way, slowly down my cheeks. These salty tears, holding such meaning. We cry... Why do we cry exactly? Mostly it's because we are sad. Mostly because we are grieving. Trying to hold on to something that is mostly slipping away. As we are trying to hold on to our tears. As we are trying to hold on to our pride. To our own dignity. We try not to seem weak. As if being stronger than our emotions, as if hiding them away, is a sign of strength. As if running away, is something that we shall cherish. Something that makes us... stronger.

When we hide emotions, leave them in the back of our mind. Yes, it does go away, but it's still in your thoughts. Putting something in the back of your mind, is more for me a sign of weakness not strength. It means that we are too weak to confront our own battles. It means that ignoring the problem completely, will make it all better. Sure it will... "Make it all better" But as you put it in your subconscious, it grows, and grows, unknowingly. And when you feel that you have prepared to face it. You realise that it has, already taken part of you. And there are no more rooms to hide it in.

My problems have been hidden. I keep them hidden away from existence as I, do not want to face them. I do not want to face them but I will have to face them. These things aren't something to mess around with. We have a soul, we are human. And we, are more powerful than these. But we fear. Like as we, fear about spiders. Or the dark. Yes, maybe the dark is bigger than us. Maybe it is where we get lost... But I had once heard that getting lost, is itself the best way of finding who we are.

I have been getting lost in my thoughts. In all the ideas, all of the things that I have learned. All of my papers have scattered everywhere. Written thoughts, memories... Have been lost. I start spinning in circles. Looking around, not knowing where to start. A tornado starts spinning around me. And I start getting lost even more. Maybe being lost isn't as bad as I thought. My feet start lifting from the ground. If there ever was one. My body is being levitated. I am laying on my back, as if being carried by angles. But what something appears to be, isn't always what it is. Like what seem to be angels, might as well be demons. I feel my hair swiftly moving in all directions. Going weightlessly with the breeze surrounding me.

Then, I see this paper fly across my eyes. As what little seconds had passed by, had felt like hours. Is there really time that passes by in thoughts. Isn't time endless...? It never stops tickling. But life, as it endless, our life on this earth, has, an expiration date. And I, will not, waste my time by getting lost into this tornado of thoughts. I take the paper that had passed over my head. This is where I'm going to start, to find myself again. I hold on to that paper tight. And decide to place it into my heart. "You are never leaving me..." I whisper looking at the ink scattered all over the paper. This one, was displaying the most perfect soul in the world. "I'm going to get myself back together, for you." I said in a whisper. I hold it delicately, as if, with the slightest wrong thing, everything I have built with this person would crumble down to pieces.

I imagine our bonds that we have made crumbing down. My tears falling into the ashes. Hoping there are seeds left to grow. Its weird that even though we know the consiquences, we still hope for better endings. I have heard that without bad days, there aren't good days to cherish. So I guess without morbid momments, there arent wonderful ones to treasure.

Its weird how we had even, almost broken, even though we were the ones who were supposed to last forever. My heart had stoped, my mind was racing so fast that I couldn't grasp what was reality and what wasn't. My lips are sealed. Not a word, not even a breath escaping my lips. No words to describe, no images to represent. But only emotions. Tears, sadness, dissapointment in self, dispair. I guess everyone doubts themselves. Even the best have done this. Like I have done this. I have doubted myslef, but I always surpass my capabilities. Like you have done for me each and every time. And like we will do, once more. Hope is more powerful than fear, as we say, but love, is more powerful than the world. And we, as the best pair, as the best doubters, will, together, conqueer the world.

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