Beneath My Beautiful.

Chapter 1

I stare at the letter in my hands for the hundredth time but still can't find the right response. My body seems numb from the shock and my mind is spinning fast. The memories keep flashing before my eyes like a dream; an awful dream.

Finally, I let the news sink in and the heaviness in my heart seems impossible to ignore. "Charles is gone."I keep repeating in my head over and over again, unable to make a sound.

For the first time, I look up and see Benja's worried eyes staring at me.

"What's wrong Lulu?" He asks softly.

"I lost him too, Benja. I lost him!"I cry helplessly.

He automatically pulls me into his arms and embraces me. I let go and cry for my loss. But the ache in my heart worsens. In a moment I see Charles; his smile so bright, his eyes filled with warmth. I want to hold on tight to the moment but it fades away, just like the good old days we had.

A million memories flash in my mind as my heart is ripped into pieces. Benja, my fiance, is a stranger to my past but I let him whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Maybe he can take away the demons from my past, maybe his kindness will wash away my guilt or perhaps his love would heal the wounds in my heart.

He doesn't complain, even when he knows nothing of my past, about Charles and the guilt of losing another best friend. Yes, another.

The second time I lose a friend ...The first time still an awful memory, a hidden secret, a shameful episode...

In the moment my mind can't seem to work well. All I keep thinking is that I'll never see him again. I wont ever tell him that am sorry; that I love him even after so many years of silence between us. I think of all the times I've wanted to write or call but would he remember me as his best friend or as the girl who ruined his life seven years ago.

"Benja, I didn't get to apologize. How will he know that am so sorry for...for everything."

"You couldn't have known that this would happen." I hear him whisper back in comfort. "This isn't your fault honey. I'll accompany you say goodbye to your friend."

My knees lose balance at the mention of 'goodbye'. The rest of the room keeps spinning round around as the void in my heart digs deeper into my soul. The walls I had put up come crashing down letting a million emotions flood through me. The last thing I remember is thinking am not ready.

Am not ready to say goodbye to him.

* * *

Seven years ago.

I see the look in Charles's eyes and wish  he would always look at me that way. "Don't leave Lu. I'll miss you." He pleads.

I smile at my best friend. "Oh poor Charlie can't stand a holiday without me?" I tease him. "It's only for a week. I'll be back, I promise."

He nods and smiles back. "It's not goodbye, right?"

"There won't ever be goodbyes when it comes to us, Charles. You've been my best friend since forever."

His smiles grows wider. He lifts me up and spins me around. I throw back my head in laughter and hug him. "I'll be bored without you but thank heavens for your pal's number. She's something else."

I hit his shoulder. "No funny business when am gone. I don't expect you to act recklessly just because am away."

He laughs just the way I like. "Don't worry about me." He says later. "You should get going before your parents freak out and start another lecture."

I stick out my tongue at him. "See you around, Charles."

"See you around, Lu."

I walk away towards our house but then I stop on my tracks just before I turn at the corner. I look back just to see him one more time before I leave. His smile is still glued to his face. Suddenly, I want the week to pass by real quick so that I can hang around my annoying best friend.

"I love you." I think to myself before I turn around and continue walking away.

Hold back the river let me look in your eyes. Hold back the river so I can stop for a minute and see where you hide. Hold back the river; hold back.

Video: James Bay ~ hold back the river (YouTube)