love so bittersweet | billie eilish

𝟣𝟦. 𝓇𝑒𝒸𝑜𝓁𝓁𝑒𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈

We left the cafe shortly after our excited exchange with Maggie. Billie wasn't going to let the topic go clearly and I didn't want to talk about it in public, so I drove us to a place outside of LA. Conan took me here actually, the first time I ever cried in front of him.

"We're here." I state as I pulled the car off onto the side of the road, in a small patch of dirt big enough for about 3 cars max.

"Um...did you take me out here to kill me?" Billie mumbles cautiously as she looks out the window, noticing we're practically surrounded by forest.

I giggle softly and make my way out of the car, leaning down to look in at her. "Nope, but if you don't get out of the car I might."

"Yes ma'am." She replies sarcastically and gets out of the car, following me as I begin to walk down a trail through the trees.

Both of us walk side by side through the woods, following the trail as best we can while stepping over large rocks and just about tripping over every tree root sticking out of the ground. The light peeking through the thick trees casting an ethereal glow over Billie's face, accentuating her flawless skin and pretty blue eyes as she takes the occasional glance over at me.

As we reach the familiar end of the trail, I remember to take a slight right, cutting through some bushes to get to the small opening. A small pond in the middle of the woods, with a memorial bench off to the side that's engraved,

'for Julie, my love. 1943-2011'

"Oh wow..." Billie mumbles under her breath as we step into the clearing, taking the beautiful surroundings in as she looks around.

"Right? I love this place." I say with a smile as I make my way over to the bench, taking a seat and patting the spot next to me, encouraging Billie to join me.

"How'd you find this place anyway?" she asks curiously, walking over and sitting down next to me now admiring the pond in front of us.

I glance at her shortly, then direct my gaze to the pond as well.

"A couple weeks after Conan and I met, I wasn't doing good..like..at all. Probably crying over Dom but that's beside the point. Conan took me here that day and we sat here for hours. I felt so much better after just sitting here with good company. So now anytime things get heavy, I come here." I explain enthusiastically as I become entranced at the soft light beams on the surface of the water.

"So why'd you take me here?" She asks, now turning her head to look at me.

"I'm still trying to answer that myself..." I began, keeping my eyes on the water. "After all this time I still trust you...and trust you enough to show you this..."

"Lacy...tell me what happened to us.." she whispered, the hurt in her voice becoming evident.

I sat silent for a brief moment, gathering up whatever courage I had left in me as I directed my gaze straight ahead into the trees. I flipped through the memories in my head, and took a bracing deep breath.

"I was scared...okay? I was insecure and felt like...like I was gonna become a burden on your career, and I couldn't have forgiven myself if that happened. I was also confused...because everything with Dom was still so fresh, and the fact that I started speaking to him again, and slept with you in the same night...well that didn't help my case much let's say that. Billie...I didn't intend to hurt you..I just...I was scared."

"You were scared to choose me..." she mumbled, coming to the realization.

"Billie..." I pleaded quietly.

"It's alright Lace...I got my answer didn't I?"

"It wasn't that simple Billie, you're making it sound like I just walked out on you for Dom. It was more complicated than that...I wasn't scared to choose you, I was scared to choose you and risk our careers.." I explained, turning my body to the side slightly on the bench so I'm facing her.