I see the light coming through the window, beaming onto my face. I open my eyes completely and realize I had fallen asleep. I sit up, looking over at Conan. "Good morning, again" he says, laughing. "Conan! Why did you let me fall asleep!" I ask, somewhat angry. "You were just so calm and happy...I couldn't wake you up!" he says in defense. I couldn't stay mad at him. I give him a smile, and he gives me the same warm smile back. I stand up, grabbing our mugs and carrying them over to the sink.
After washing out both mugs I set them in his drying rack. I was drying our popcorn bowl from last night when I feel his arms around me. I set down the towel and bowl and turn my face to look at him. He just smiles, looking at me adoringly. "Conan-" I can barely make out words, the butterflies in my stomach running in circles. "Hm?" he questions. "I-" I stutter out. I sigh, not being able to come up with words. "Sorry-" he says, laughing a bit as he lets go of me.
TW: Mention of Suicidal Thoughts
It was later that night, Conan showering and me watching TV (I had showered earlier). I hear the shower turn off, then the music stop playing from the bathroom. I continue watching my show, waiting for Conan to come out. I can't focus on the show though. All I can think about is Conan. I was in love with him, and deeply at that. I had no idea what I was going to do about it. It seemed like he was flirting with me...I know it sounds dumb considering all the signs he's given me but Conan has been known to be very platonic and sarcastic. What if I had it all wrong and he was just joking?
Still unsure of this, Conan comes out of the bathroom with his hair dried and skincare done. He was wearing a white tank top and green plaid pajama pants. He walks over to the couch where I am curled up against the couch armrest, a blanket pulled over me. He kneels down on the floor next to my face. "Hey" he says. "Hi" I reply, looking at him as I pause my show. "You look so cute" he says, laughing. "I look like bean" I correct him. He laughs even more at this. I sit up, giving him room to sit down.
He takes the seat when I notice something is off. "Conan, are you okay?" I look at him, realizing the tears that had fallen before he came out. "Yeah, just...thinking about some stuff" he looks down, as if he thinks he shouldn't tell me. "Cone...you can tell me anything, okay? I'm here to listen to you and I want to be here for you" I rest my hand on his, rubbing my thumb against the back of his hand.
"Okay" he says, still looking away from my gaze. "Conan, what's going on?" I try to see his face, but it's hard the way he has it facing. "I don't want to freak you out or anything" he says, looking around as if searching for words. "I won't, please. I'm here for you." I look at his eyes, seeing the numbness within them.
The room goes silent, my eyes on Conan. After minutes of nothing, he clears his throat. "I thought about killing myself three weeks ago" He stares at his hands, playing with his thumbs. I take a moment to breathe, taking in the shock I had just heard. "I was going to until you asked to meet up. I thought I should wait until after we met up one more time. But then, you didn't have anywhere to stay, and...I realized I don't want to leave if it means leaving you."
I throw my arms around his neck, burying my face in it. I feel him pick up my lower half, shifting me so he can put his arms around me. I hold on to him tight. After a few minutes of this, I pull away slightly, looking at him. "T-to think that I...I could've lost you-" I stutter, feeling the tears in my eyes. I see him look down, almost ashamed. "Please...please tell me if it ever gets that bad again...ever...Conan...if I had lost you..." I bite my lip, unable to finish the sentence.
I tilt his face towards mine, making him look into my eyes. "I love you" I say. I think to myself in horror of the words I had just said. Not the time. This was absolutely horrible timing. He doesn't need this, he just needs comfort. I shouldn't have said that. What was I thinking?
"I love you too"
