me

I'm sorry

What happened....

After a long battle I gave into the voices and I starved myself for a month and a half until one day I ate a muffin...
I was upset I was doing so well
The voices were screaming in my head that i was a failure
I believed them
That night I got so upset and I grabbed my razor and cut my left arm.. 72 times...
I bled for 10 minutes but i didn't care
I wanted to die so badly
I called my boyfriend and cried
He asked what was wrong and all I said was;
I'm sorry...

After the bleeding had stopped I put on a jumper and cried
The voices were there yelling at me that I was at failure
That I was so fat
That I was stupid and that I ment nothing
That I was worthless...
Yet again I believed them..

A few minutes later I opened a magic kit that I had bought the day before and got the rope out of it..
I tide it into a noose..
I hung it from a nail on top of a ledge in my room...
I moved my bed out of the way and stood on a stool...
Crying my eyes out and my hands shaking..
I put my head through the rope..
I was about to kick the stool away when my phone rang
It was my boyfriend
I ignored it and took deep breath
He left a message:
Sky
Please don't
I need you
Please don't do what ever your going to do
I need you here please
I don't know what I'd do with our you
Please
I love you

I was crying even more now
The voices told me to ignore him
They told me to just jump
If I jumped it would be better
It would be better for everyone
I wanted to ignore them but I couldnt...

I was about to nock the stool out the way when my phone rang again
This time I answered it

I told him I was sorru for what I did and for what I was going to do
He told me not to
He told me that suicide wasn't the answer
He told me about how it would only make things worse
The voices argued with him
They told me that it would be better
That committing suicide would make everyone happy

He begged with me not to
I fought with the voices and believed him instead
I got down and moved my bed back
I hid the rope and the razor
I talked to him for an hour telling him everything
I felt a bit better after that and I went to sleep...

The next day my parents found out about my self harm
They were heart broken
My dad hugged me and told me it would be ok
But...
My mum tried to strangle me and slapped me across the face...

I wanted to die even more now...

Time passed.
Alot of time.
In between that first day and now.
I've cut my other arm.
The same arm again.
Both my thighs.
My stomach.
Collar bone.
Shoulder.
Anckle.
Hand.

An I'm not proud of it....