As Soft As Snow

Internal Bleeding

There's something about snow that makes me feel at peace. Whether it's the pure white color, or the delicate way it falls. I guess that is a symbol for me too. Falling delicately further and further down, with no way to get back up. My grades have continued to fall lower and lower, while I get more and more stressed. I practice in the mornings, and after school, but I can't get the dances perfect. I stumble, or I slip or I forget the next move, or I miss a cue. Nothing I do is perfect anymore. Especially my life.

"She's signed me up for therapy. She says that I don't act the same way at home that I used to, and she's right, I don't. I withdraw into myself, waiting for dinner, then sleep. I get my homework done fast, but not well. I now have D's in all of my classes. I should make an effort to fix my life. Make an effort to do something other than sit around."

"Care to elaborate on that feeling?" My therapist asked. She looks like a nice woman. She has long blonde hair and glasses that make her look like an old lady. She wears long dresses with flowers sewn onto every inch, and black loafers with pink bunny socks. Her eyes carry a sadness somehow, did she have trauma too? Did my therapist go to another therapist? I wonder if she also sat down on a leather couch and spilled out her secrets.

"What feeling?" I asked cluelessly.

"That feeling that you get when you feel that you need to do something. What does it feel like to you, a tingle in the chest? A desperation? Sun on your skin? Winter in your room?" My therapist asked curiously.

"Nothing that extraordinary, just... a feeling that I should do it. A yearning, I guess is the way I'd explain it."

The clock on the wall struck eleven, and our time was up.

When I was halfway out the door, my therapist asked me to do one thing before our next session.

"This is Pinkie," She told me while holding out a pink elephant,"Just, whenever you feel anxious, or depressed, squeeze this elephant as hard as you can.

Remember that you aren't alone. Can you do that?"

I nodded, grabbed the elephant from her hands and left the room, closing the door behind me.

On the way out of the building, It started. It became harder to breathe, I started sweating. Something was gonna go wrong. It had to. I sat down on a bench in the atrium until the feeling went away. It was a feeling that just kept building, it kept growing, they kept taking. Taking, taking, taking. More of my friends, more of my family, more of my life. The three overlords of my life.

I squeezed the elephant as hard as I could, imagining that I was squeezing the bad thoughts out of my mind and onto the floor where I could stomp on them, crush them to dust, crush them into non existence. By the time I felt better, the elephant's sides had been compressed so small, they might as well have been smoking.

I got up from the bench after my little episode, and walked out the door, trying my hardest to ignore the stares of the people in the lobby, into the sunny, wintry sky.

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Ballet practice was the same as it always was. My movements were as ungraceful as a bird with a broken wing, but I still got complimented. Madame told me that I would be the best Marie she had ever taught. I was distracted thinking about how much everyone would hate me if I mess up. I was drifting away from my friends, my family. My mom.

I squeezed the elephant, and looked out the window. The sunset glimmered off the buildings, almost as if it was leading me. A guiding light. A hand on my shoulder jerked me out of my trance. Will. I scooted over and turned my eyes back to the sun. I wanted to follow it. See where it goes.

"That elephant is cute, what's his name?" Will asked.

"Pinkie."

"He's cute."

I stay silent, my eyes flick from him to the sun, unsure of what to say.

He looks at the sun too.

"Doesn't it hurt your eyes?"

"No."

I'm waiting for the question he yearns to ask. Waiting for that one answer that I'm afraid to give him. I feel a yearning to tell him. I want to. I have to.

"I... I..." Is all I manage to get out before he kisses me. It was only on the cheek, but I feel something disappear, deep inside of my heart. I'm not lonely anymore. I have someone. He has someone. That's all that matters. I sit on the ground, looking at the sun, high in the sky as he leaves. The room is cold again. Cold. Cold as winter. And just as lonely.

On the way out of the building, I have to go to the bathroom, so I stop and relieve myself. On the way out of the bathroom, It strikes again. Waves of anxiety wash over me like I'm nothing but a piece of sand to be washed somewhere else. It's so strong, I have to sit down. Something happened. Something had to have happened. They're never this bad, is all I can think before more waves wash over me. Sounds penetrate my ears, I'm crying, I realize, through all of the anxiety, and noise. I scramble for the elephant. It's all I need right now. More noise. More, more, more noise. Too much noise. It's too much for me, and the world goes black.

I wake up to the sound of nothingness. Sweet, sweet nothingness. I scramble for my bag and run out of the building towards the direction of my apartment. I definitely wasn't okay. Should I tell my mom? Could I tell my mom?

What would she say? I decide against it and keep running. I want to get home. I want to lay down and dream it all away. I want to just snuggle up with pinkie and leave my problems for later. I see the oak door that leads to my apartment and I make a final rush for it. When I reached it I fumble for the key struggling to get it in and unlock it. Tears burst from my eyes as I finally open the door and rush up into my room. Back into the memories. Back into the things I wanted to avoid. Back into memories of him. His smile, his songs, his love. I hug Pinkie. He's the only tether I have to this Earth. To this place, to this reality.

I open the window in my room, a shining light in my fortress of gloom. Orange light floods in, like a flood. Lighting up every crevice of my room, and I feel happy. For a little bit, I feel happy. Hugging Pinkie in my bed, while looking out the window at the sun. The orange, yellow, and red sun. I drift off to sleep, still hugging the pink elephant that's helped me through all of this.

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I'm awoken by the sound of the front door being slammed shut.

"Emilie, are you here? I didn't see you at the cafe." She yells.

"Yeah, I'm here. I'm in my room." I shout back.

The sun is gone from my room. Its glow fading back to black. The elephant lays on the ground a few feet away from me with some sort of liquid on it. Did I drool on her while I slept? I pulled myself off of my bed and forced myself to walk downstairs to face her. Her nurse uniform looked gray and worn in the dim light. Her face looked haggard and tired as if some ghoul had drained all of her strength and youth. As I walk down the stairs I step on the creaky step causing her to stand up and look at me, surprised that I was down here, where she was. I usually did everything I could to avoid her, whether its staying longer at practice or helping a teacher after school, I always tried to avoid coming home when she was.

"Is there anything you need my help with? Health homework maybe?"

My mind immediately came up with ways that was offensive to me. She doesn't know your school classes. She must not pay attention to you. She must not care about you. I just smiled.

"No thank you, is there anything I can help you with?"Her face grew into a smile. Not a troubled smile, but a friendly smile. I was talking to her, and she was talking to me. Maybe we didn't have the worst relationship. Maybe we can make up for lost time. Not maybe though... we will.