A place in this world

N I N E

My mom stared in shock at my body as I stood vulnerably in front of her.

"Oh my sweet girl," her voice was on the verge of tears, "what have I caused you?"

She blamed herself, which I hated even more than this situation we were in right now. She didn't cause me this pain, this hate for myself. I did, even my friends from school did. It was not my mom.

My mom wrapped her arms around my naked body, pulling me closer to her. Trying to figure out how to help me, how to fix this mess. I felt her hot tears run down my shoulder, feeling the pain I'm causing her.

"I'm sorry." I whispered through my own tears.

"It's not your fault, baby. Do you want to take a bath?" She asked slowly.

I nodded, sitting in the tub curled up in a ball. My mom soaked a face cloth before rubbing it over my back, "what about your show?" I mumbled.

"You're more important, sweetheart." I wanted to hear those words for months now, but as she said then I felt guilt. The fans would hate me for this and hate my mom for postponing their show.

"No go and do it." I stood up, wrapping a towel around me.

"Ins, come on." She helped me into my sweats before leading me to her couch. She pulled me onto her lap, hugging me close. I clung onto her, realising how much I needed her, how much I'd missed her.

————

Blake and Travis walked through the door with two huge bags of food, "who's hungry?" Blake announced, looking over at us.

Travis gave us a questionable look, knowing something was up but my mom just replied to Blake.

"We definitely are." She smiled as she squeezed my hand. I started to shiver on my mom's knee, with fear. Terrified of what they were going to force me to eat.

Travis handed out food to everyone, including me, "chicken tenders, your favourite?"

I nodded, glad he remembered the little things.

"Thanks Trav." My mom replied to him for me.

He smiled sitting next to us as Blake spoke to tree in the doorway. I stared at the box of tenders in my lap, shaking with fear and anxiety.

"I can't do it mom." I whispered to her.

"You can, just a little bit at a time, okay?" She rubbed my back, allowing me to take one tender.

I slowly raised it to my mouth, scanning the room to see who was watching. To my surprise it was only my mom. My lips trembled at the touch of the chicken tender, wanting me to set it down. I forced myself to bite once into it. It was more like a nibble than anything.

"Good job, Indy." My mom kissed my cheek.

I gave her a small smile, knowing I couldn't eat anymore.

"That's perfect for you first time, baby. Progress will take awhile but it'll be worth it." She held me against her, munching on her food. I just rested my head on her shoulder, wanting nothing more than the safety of her arms around me.

————

I could tell my mom was worried with leaving me when she was to be on stage. I was curled up in a ball on the couch, completely zoned out. Ever since my mom found out about everything it's all just hit me. I feel dead inside, I don't think I could move off this couch if I wanted to. Travis was sitting next to me, tapping my foot gently for support. My mom was pacing the room, debating whether to cancel the show or not. She glanced over to check on me every now and then, which every time she did that she said it was going to be cancelled. Tree and Blake were telling her otherwise.

"Travis and I will look after her, Taylor." Blake promised.

"It's too late to cancel, I'm sorry." Tree protested.

My mom just stared at them, "that's my daughter. My baby. Look at her!" She whispered loudly enough I could hear.

I felt tears prick at my eyes, trying so hard to keep them inside. I was ruining everything for everyone here. My tears fell slowly as I buried my head into my knees.

"Indy," I felt two arms wrapped around me, "you're okay." It was my mom.

I lifted my head to face her. Her electric blue eyes filled with worry, staring straight at me.

"Do your show." I whispered, wanting nothing more than to go home with my mom.

"Ins."

"Go." I mumbled wiping my own tears.

She looked at Travis, who nodded at her in agreement.

"I've got her." He gave her a reassuring smile as Tree came over to my mom to tell her to hurry to the stage.

"Baby," she whispered facing me again, "if you need me, please tell someone and I'll be straight there, okay?"

There was plead in her eyes, worry lines on her forehead. I was breaking her into pieces, tearing her apart with my issues.

I nodded, "okay."

————

Travis and I sat in my mom's dressing room for the whole concert. I didn't move from the curled up ball at any point.

"Indy? Do you want anything ?" Travis stood up, watching me.

"No." I mumbled.

"I'm going to the toilet, I'll be right back." He left.

I missed my mom, I could hear the music and her voice from here. Wishing she'd come through and never let me go.

/// short part I know sorry, been so busy fr///