Keefe's hair 101

30th

What a big mistake.
Cold sweat soaked Keefe's shirt as he groaned and tried to fight for Sophie.
Keefe jerked awake when he landed on his back. He had fallen off the bed.

"Keefe?!" Sophie ran in. He sat up.
"I'm- I'm okay," Keefe realised.
He wasn't hurt; he wasn't in a nightmare; Sophie was here. Why did it feel so forced?

That realisation made Keefe sigh loudly and flopped back down.
Sophie pulled Keefe to his feet.

Fear grasped Keefe- not his normal fear. He realised that he didn't feel any emotion towards Sophie.

"What's wrong?" Sophie asked as Keefe stared at her.
"How- how do you feel about me?"

"Uh, I really like you. Keefe...?"
Keefe kept his eyes away from Sophie.
"I'm broken, Soph."

"No you're not."
Sophie leaned closer, faint blush spreading across her face. She looked beautiful- if only Keefe could enjoy it.

There was nothing in Keefe's heart. Nothing.

Sophie kissed him. Keefe tried to return it but it hurt.
Keefe gently pushed her away. "I can't."
The feeling- the one that attracted and attached Keefe to Sophie- wasn't there.
Had the bond broken?
Had Keefe broken?

He needed to think. "Can you leave?" Keefe couldn't stand the look that Sophie gave- pure love. Right now, Keefe didn't understand how Sophie could feel that. Would Keefe had felt it before?
(The song 'changes' by XXXTENTACION inspired this)

Sophie pulled Keefe closer into a hug. Keefe kept silent until he felt like he was lying by keeping his arms around her. "Sophie, please leave."

Sophie's face fell. "Why?"
"I just need to- to think."
Sophie pressed her lips to Keefe's ear, then withdrew asking, "will you tell me what?"
Keefe was uncertain. "Maybe..."
"I can help you." Keefe shook his head. "Can I just stay and talk?"
Keefe led Sophie to the door. "Please."
Sophie pushed back until he was pinned up against the wall.
Fear crept inside embarrassment, making Keefe's ears go pink. And Keefe raised his voice a bit. "Let go. Please can you go?"

Sophie persisted and rested her head on Keefe's chest. His chest. It was hollow- could she hear the heartbeats echo in the deep hole inside Keefe?
"Let go of me, Sophie!" He grabbed her shoulders and pulled Sophie off him.

Sophie tried to tell Keefe that she was going to stay but Keefe interrupted with shouting.
"Leave me alone! I ask for time for myself and I cant even have that?"

Sophie stumbled away from Keefe with a stricken face. "Here-" she mumbled and shoved a book into his hands. Keefe stared at the book then looked up but Sophie wasn't there anymore.
He looked back down.
"What is this?" He was talking to himself.

'Keefe's hair 101'. Keefe could vaguely remember that this was his.
"Did I write a book on my hair?" He flipped through the first pages- sure enough it was about how he got his hair amazing.
Keefe cringed at it. I cant believe I was this obsessed with myself.
Maybe Sophie was a good distraction from selfishness.

Selfish. Only those feelings he felt now.

The next page was different.
'Diary entry #1'
Keefe sat down on his bed with a frown.
He absorbed the text and how cringy he was and how desperate he was and how much emotion he showed.
Keefe was crying after the third diary entry.
He curled up on his pillow and sniffed. Keefe rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm.
Sophie had given him his diary- did she know how big of an impact it did him?
Keefe slid into his bed and kept reading. He fell asleep with the book on his chest.

Not before he wrote an entry.

Diary entry #14

Hello again diary. Seems like I'm back. More things happened as it has been a while since I consulted you.
'You'. Should be 'it'.

Huh anyway.
So I must be broken. I cannot feel the emotions I could feel in #7.
Is this depression? Is this proof Fitz got to me?

Woah okay, just writing that name down made me scared.
I'm not gonna write the reasons because I'll probably die.
Well, actually I won't but... y'know.

Sophie hugged me before and...
It wasn't there.
It wasn't there!

How will I survive with no love in my collection of feelings? Only: sadness, anger, fear, hate, jealousy, loneliness, self-criticism and rejection?

I can't feel happy.

Do you think if something full of crazy positive emotion would bring me back?
The negative emotions pull me out of the world and holds me captive.

I feel like screaming for help.
I feel like I need a crazy situation.
To force the emotions back?

Now that all of this is on paper, time to go.
I'm tired anyway.
Tired...

- KEEFE

Sophie woke Keefe up after reading the entry.
And she must've been pretty serious about this situation.
"Hey sweetie," she murmured.
Keefe rubbed his eyes with a 'what are you doing' face.

Sophie was thinking that maybe if she went far but not too far- Keefe will come back?

She kissed him shortly a few times before pinning him down on his bed.
"Sophie- what are you doing?" The confused fear showed in his expression. When Sophie tried to kiss Keefe, Keefe moved his head so it landed on his cheek.
Sophie unbuttoned the first button on Keefe's shirt.
Keefe's head spun as Sophie moved her lips to his chest.

This effort did nothing except terrify Keefe to his bones.

Next button.

More waves of anxiety and panic. The waves crashed and formed whirlpools, spinning Keefe's head around and around.

Keefe gasped as the 3rd button went.

Sophie was trying to hard. She pulled the sleeve off Keefe's shoulder and pressed her lips to it.

Suddenly Keefe remembered that he was bigger than Sophie and could stop her.

He pushed against Sophie's hold and jumped out of the hospital bed. Keefe staggered out the door and thumped against the wall.
Too far Keefe's mind told him.
He stared at the shirt displaying his chest.

More anxiety choked him and Keefe breathed in a gasping way.

The waves hit him over and over again until Keefe was knocked to the floor with his head in his hands. And his hands on his knees.

Sophie came out and apologised but Keefe didn't hear her as he fought with the emotions.

Maybe a crazy situation was not the answer?