Eminence (Wattpad Edition)

Note 21 - Can We Still Be Friends?

Jack was surprised when Emanon entered the room, though he still laughed. Of course she'd be the one to come in unannounced. She'd never been good at reading a room. She closed the door behind her, climbed into bed, and sat across from him.

"Good morning..." Jack said.

"Good morning..." Emanon replied. "I saw our memories."

"Yeah? We've never really talked about it, huh?" Jack frowned. "I've told Warren about our past, but lately... I've been clinging to him too much. You and I talk to him so easily, but we haven't really talked. Just us."

"That man in your memories... that was Vaan, right?"

"...Yeah. That's Vaan."

"We look alike. Almost like twins. Are we related?"

"Yeah..."

"You really loved him, didn't you? I could feel it in your memories, but it wasn't just that. It was like I was there, feeling what you felt. Theo, Eminence, Anika, you, Warren... you all carry such painful things."

"I'm sorry, Em. I know my pain doesn't excuse what I've done to you. I did love him. As much as I tried to brush it off or hide, I couldn't escape it. I thought maybe... maybe I could fill myself with someone else to erase him. But when you've known someone your whole life... they're part of you. I think I understand Theo better now, his attachment to Eminence. Why he clings to you, even knowing you're not her. Maybe he was also hoping to forget. We're both the same kind of pathetic, huh?"

"I don't think so. I don't think you're pathetic, Jack. I think you're carrying the grief of two. And it's killing you inside."

Jack's voice shook. "But I saw you scream for me. Cry for me. You were so scared. I left you behind so easily, and you were all I had."

"Yeah. Like you said, you can't erase someone you've known your whole life—well, I may not remember my old life, but I've known you my entire life as Emanon. I can't let you go, even if I wanted to."

She swallowed hard, holding his gaze.

"I won't pretend I didn't hate you when you left. When Warren found me, I clung to him because I couldn't survive another abandonment. But he never made me feel like a burden. And that made me realize something. Yes, we did cruel things. But I want us to talk about it. Agonize over it together. I want to start over. I don't want to lose you. So... can we still be friends?"

Jack's eyes brimmed over. "I don't think we can be friends..."

"Why not?" Emanon asked.

"Because 'friend' doesn't feel right. My feelings for you are confusing. When you were Eminence, you felt like a mother. Then you became Emanon... and somehow, you felt closer. And my feelings started to shift."

He looked down at his hands.

"When we ran away together... I thought that maybe I could trick myself into being satisfied with what I had. But I don't know what these feelings are. I just know that I love you. And it hurts. That's why I called. Why I moved to the city. I had to come back."

He looked up at her. "Can you accept me? Can I still stay by your side like this?"

"Of course you can. I love you too, Jack. I'm not going to run from you just because you don't have the words yet. But Theo... it's different. It wouldn't be fair to drag him into your confusion. You don't want to hurt him—not even unintentionally."

Jack nodded. "You're right. But... I wasn't thinking about Theo. I was more afraid of how Warren and you would see me. Maybe I even wanted you both to hate me. Maybe that's why I went to Theo. If I could be cruel again... if I could be hated... then I'd finally be punished for everything I did."