feeling my way

Prologue - Fade Into You

Jimin knew the landscapes of the countryside where he had spent his childhood and teenage years like the back of his hand.

He had them then engraved in his mind to the point that in his dreams, he saw them depicted perfectly. Every detail was shown in the images his subconscious provided him during the night: the vast, bright green fields he used to walk to to lay down and play with the daisies, the trees all around his mansion that he climbed on when he was little, the swing he spent hours playing on until he made bruises appear on the palms of his hands from gripping the handles too tightly.

He remembered perfectly the colors of the sunset and the shades that the branches and the foliage created on the earthy ground of the lost paths that lead to the town.

The smell of freshly baked cakes and orange juice woke him up every day and Jimin could swear he sometimes still felt it impregnating his surroundings when he opened his eyes in the morning, even if he was so far away from the countryside now.

In his dreams his smell was vivid too, just like everything else. When he experienced them, he felt like, if he had tried to reach out, he would have been able to touch the butterflies flying around his garden, caress his grandmother's black cat's fur, graze that pale cheek once again... maybe thread his fingers through the softness of his hair one more time.

His dreams weren't always the same, of course, but in just a few of them was he alone.

Usually with Jimin, laying on the green grass, surrounded by pretty ladybugs, was always him .

On the spot under the huge weeping willow near the river, sitting with his fingers intertwined with Jimin's, was always him .

Jimin remembered his voice, his raspy tone that scratched every sensitive spot inside and outside of him, that made him shiver and tremble whenever he heard that voice whisper close to him, so close...

In his dreams, at least, Jimin could still have him by his side, even if just in the form of a fleeting memory. He could still see his face and look into his eyes, he could still talk to him and know how he was.

In his dreams he was still there, smiling and running in the fields and eating sweets with Jimin on the bench near the orchard.

In his dreams, Jimin wasn't alone. He still knew he was right there by his side to keep him company, to kiss his worries away and hug him when he was sad.

In his everyday life, though, Jimin was alone. And he wasn't there anymore.

In reality, it would have been so embarrassing to admit what he dreamt in the darkness of his room, but fortunately, his dreams were only his.

That night wasn't any different.

His dreams brought him images of the summer sun over him and flimsy shirts, of colorful popsicles and delicate blossoms.

The imagery of him was clear as he laughed at something Jimin had said, as he tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, as he stole his drink from him and ran away as Jimin tried to chase him around.

The dream lasted only a few minutes, or so it seemed. It passed too soon anyway, and the image was soon replaced in front of his eyes by the ceiling of his room.

His cheeks felt damp when he blindly reached up to touch them.

Jimin tried to not move around too much in the bed to not wake the man sleeping beside him up.

He didn't feel like answering questions when he was like this: once again dreaming and crying while thinking of someone who hadn't been in his life for years while he had someone else hugging him in his sleep and making him coffee in the morning.