Not Coded

2

Liam had always hated the silence. It trapped him with his thoughts, thoughts that seemed to circle endlessly, haunting him. They pulled him into places he didn’t want to be, places that felt heavy and exhausting. 

It had been worse when he was younger. It wasn’t as though it had gotten any better now, but at least he’d learnt how to wear a mask, how to hide the chaos that brewed inside him.

After the party—after what had happened in the bathroom—and after giving Theo his number despite every instinct telling him to hold back, Liam found himself back home. He was lying in his room, staring up at the ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars and rocket stickers. They were a reminder of simpler times, a time when dreams had felt reachable and the world hadn’t seemed so suffocating. For now, they brought him a calmness, something that helped him forget, even if just for a little while. They helped him sleep.

His parents weren’t back yet from the party. Isaac, his older brother, was away at college, living in his own apartment with his boyfriend. Sometimes Liam thought about how Isaac had grown up in the same house, walked the same paths, and yet somehow seemed... better. Stronger. Maybe it was because Isaac was older. Did age bring some kind of wisdom or peace that Liam hadn’t earned yet? Or maybe Isaac was just better at hiding things than he was.

Liam raised a hand above his head, reaching toward the stars on his ceiling. He wondered if, when he grew up, things would be different. Would he feel happier? Would the weight on his chest finally lift?

seventeen now, but in few months, he would turn eighteen . Most of his friends were older—Hayden, Mason, Corey, Brett, Nolan. They all seemed so sure of themselves, so confident. Sometimes he wondered if he was just behind because he’d started school early. Maybe that was why they seemed to handle things better. Maybe that was why they smiled more easily, laughed more freely.

Was he just... waiting? Waiting to catch up, waiting to feel something other than this numbness that dragged at his feet every day?

He didn’t know when that would happen, or if it ever would. He just hoped he wouldn’t drown in these thoughts before it did.

______

A week later..

The sound of his alarm pulled him out of sleep. Another day. He needed to work out for at least an hour before heading to school. There was a match today, and being the team captain came with a lot of responsibilities. He had to be prepared—or at least act like he was. The mask helped with that.

His therapist had suggested lacrosse as a way to manage his IED. It was working, in a way. If he couldn’t take out his anger on people, he could at least channel it through the game, make it look like it was part of the competition.

After his workout, Liam hopped in the shower, trying to scrub off the lingering feeling of disgust that clung to him. He hated looking at himself in the mirror. He saw too much.

Downstairs, his dad was already seated at the table, reading the newspaper in his suit and munching on waffles.

“Good morning, Dad,” Liam greeted, forcing a smile as he took a seat across from him. Mary, the housekeeper, placed waffles and a shake in front of him.

His dad looked up and smiled back. “Morning, Liam. Sleep well?”

Liam nodded as he cut into his waffles, trying to push down the thoughts that threatened to surface. “Yeah, fine. How was the party?”