Suffering

Aftermath

The police officer stands in the doorway, speaking quietly into a radio, their expression somber and professional.
Bruises litter my entire body
In the background, another officer is taking notes, observing the scene with a look of sadness.
Yellow crime scene tape stretches across the doorway, and the flashes of red and blue lights from police cars outside intermittently illuminate the room, adding a sense of chaos and urgency to the otherwise still and silent space.
I am sitting in the ambulance
Holding two live babies and a dead one, still and silent
I get taken to the hospital:
I get an exam done then I reunite with my babies 
Iris lies still in a cot
Police come in to interview me because it's time.
Mommy stays with me and she sits in my bed with me
I cuddle up to her
A box of tissues is placed on the table, within reach of me.
I look exhausted, my face pale and gaunt, with dark circles under my eyes indicating a lack of sleep.
My clothes are hospital scrubs, and my hair is unkempt, falling loosely around my face.
My hands are trembling slightly as I grip a crumpled tissue, my knuckles white from the tight grip.
Tears streak my cheeks, and my eyes are wide with a mixture of shock, fear, and profound grief.
Across from me, a detective sits quietly, her expression one of gentle concern and empathy. She leans forward slightly, speaking in a soft, calm voice, careful not to overwhelm me.
"We know this is incredibly difficult,"
She begins gently
"but we need to understand what happened to help you and to ensure this doesn't happen again."
My breathing is shallow and rapid, indicative of her anxiety and trauma.
"Sixteen times, sixteen times inside."
I cry as I shake
"I... I tried to protect- my- baby but he ,"
I  whisper, my voice barely audible.
The detective pauses, allowing me a moment to compose myself, showing patience and understanding.
"We're going to find him okay and he will not get away with this."
Mommy holds me as I cry and nod
A nurse stands by the door, ready to step in if needed.
She watches with a sympathetic expression, understanding the delicate nature of the situation.
The room is filled with a heavy silence, the air thick with the weight of the my trauma and loss.
The detective takes a slow breath, choosing her next words carefully,
"I'm so sorry for what happened to your baby. You did everything you could."
I nod weakly, my tears flowing freely now.
My eyes meet the detective's, and for a brief moment, there's a flicker of trust.
I am told that I can leave as soon as I want
I nod slightly looking at Ivy and baby boy
Iris is taken to the morgue for cremation
Mommy takes me home
Mama is there with the kids.
I hug them and they hug me
I hold all of them tightly promising to never let go again.
They hold me as I cry and they cry too
Mama puts them to bed
The nursery is quiet and still, a stark contrast to the usual sounds of a baby's cooing and laughter that once filled the room.
The curtains are drawn, allowing only a sliver of sunlight to seep through, casting a faint glow over the room.
The walls are painted in soft pastel colors, adorned with cheerful decorations—cartoon animals, colorful letters, and family photos—each a haunting reminder of happier times.
In the center of the room, a crib stands empty, its once neatly arranged bedding now slightly disheveled.
A small, plush teddy bear lies on its side, a silent witness to the tragedy that has unfolded. A mobile above the crib, adorned with stars and moons, hangs motionless, as if time itself has stopped.
I sit in a rocking chair beside the crib, clutching a small, soft blanket to her chest.
My eyes are red and swollen from hours of crying, my face etched with deep lines of grief and exhaustion.
My shoulders are hunched over, my body trembling with silent sobs.
I rock back and forth, a subconscious attempt to soothe myself in the absence of the baby she once cradled.
I hold Ivy and baby boy
On the floor, a few toys are scattered—blocks, a rattle, a soft toy lamb—all untouched, all now painfully irrelevant in the absence of their intended owner.
Yes Ivy and baby boy are here but I want Iris here too, where she belongs
The room is filled with a heavy silence, broken only by my quiet weeping and the occasional creak of the rocking chair.
On the nightstand, there are signs of recent activity—a half-filled bottle of milk from the other kids, a pacifier, and a small, framed photo of the ultrasound, capturing a moment of pure innocence and joy. Next to it, a candle burns softly, its flame flickering gently, casting dancing shadows on the walls.
I kiss Ivy's forehead and I place her into her cot
The air is thick with sorrow, every breath a painful reminder of the loss that has forever changed the lives of those left behind.
This is the heartbreaking reality.
I place baby boy into his cot and I head out of the room.
I yawn
Mama takes me into her arms
""Do you want to go to bed?"
I nod not able to speak.
"Okay let's get you washed first ok"
I nod again.
Mama steps inside the shower,
I stand motionless, my head bowed and my eyes closed, as the hot water cascades over me.
My arms hang limply at my sides, and my posture is one of exhaustion and defeat, as if the weight of my grief is too heavy for me to bear.
I jump slightly as mama puts a hand on my suitor
"Hey baby let's get you cleaned up okay?"
I nod
The water hits my skin in a steady rhythm, mixing with my tears as they stream down my face.
I had not moved for several minutes, lost in my own thoughts.
No wonder Mama came to help
My chest rises and falls with shallow, uneven breaths, and my eyes are red and puffy from crying.
Slowly, Mama reaches for the soap, her movements slow and deliberate,
She begins to wash me, her hands trembling slightly as they glide over my skin.
Each touch is hesitant, almost as if she is afraid to feel me.
As she helps, her hands linger over my stomach, the ache of loss palpable.
The water doesn't seem to provide comfort; instead, it feels like it's washing away the last remnants of my baby, the last physical connection I have to her.
My shoulders start to shake as the sobs become more frequent, my body heaving with the effort to breathe.
I lean against the tiled wall for support, the cool ceramic contrasting sharply with the warmth of the water.
"Baby please talk to me."
"I-I'm so mad- how could he?!"
"I don't know baby. Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"I-it's too soon- I can't-"
"Sh sh baby it's okay deep breaths."
She rubs my back as I take deep breaths.
"I'm sorry I'm so difficult mama."
I cry.
"No baby. Don't say that, you're not difficult."
"I-I am because- I cant- be- normal."
She shakes her head
"We love you no matter what baby."
She rinses the shampoo from my hair.
She helps me to step out and she slowly dries me off
I cup my stomach and I sob.
Mommy is in the nursery bottle feeding them with my breast milk.
I slowly get into bed.
My first time being in a bed since I got kidnapped.
I lie down and I just stare up at the ceiling
"Do you want a hot water bottle baby?"
I nod.
She smiles slightly and walks away
I continue staring up and then Mommy appears
"Hi honey."
I smile lightly at her
She gets into her pjs
"How are you feeling now?"
I don't talk I just shake my head and shrug.
"Baby please say something."
"Sorry."
"Don't be sorry baby. It's okay"
I nod slightly
"Mama."
I cry as she sits down next to me
"Oh honey sh sh let it all out."
She engulfs me in a hug as I cry.
"We're going to get you a session with Emily asap baby okay?"
"Why?"
"Because you can't keep it to yourself."
She holds me as I wipe tears.
"Okay t-thank you mama."
I cry
"Honey can you give Emily a call to see if she can come over tomorrow?"
"Of course."
I sit there sobbing in mamas arms.
She rocks me as I cry.
"I'm here baby. Sh sh."
She continues rocking me and I show no signs of calming down.
"How about I give you a bottle of warm milk honey?"
"B-but I'm not a child?"
I cry
"I know honey but it might help to soothe you."
"O-ok."
"I'll feed it to you okay. Let me take care of you."
She gets out of bed and goes to prepare a bottle.
I continue to cry.
Mama comes back with a bottle in hand
"Mama- I'm scared."
"It's okay baby- I won't hurt you."
She eases me into her lap.
She strokes my hand as I cry.
She rocks me slightly and she positions the bottle
"Now baby it's okay."
I sip on the bottle as I continue to cry.
She strokes my head, providing comfort.
I drink the whole bottle
"Thank you mama. I feel a bit more relaxed now."
"That's good sweetie."
We snuggle in bed
"Okay so a session is tomorrow at 6. Emily might even stay overnight. The older kids are staying overnight at their daycare anyways for a sleepover event."
"Okay."
We both nod
Mommy gets into bed with us
"Now let's get to sleep okay?"
"What- if the babies wake up?"
"We'll take care of them honey. You need your rest."
"A-alright."
I snuggle into the blanket completely exhausted from everything.
I fall asleep while being held by mommy.
I am not excited for tomorrow and right now I don't even want to wake up tomorrow