Emptiness.

It hurts.

T/W: Abuse

Tuesday morning. The alarm feels like a hammer against my skull, pounding, relentless. I drag myself out of bed, my body heavy, my mind foggy. I wish I could stay in bed all day, disappear under the covers and forget the world exists, but I have chamber choir, and my dad would never let me skip.

I move through my morning routine like a ghost, my reflection in the mirror pale and lifeless. I can barely muster the energy to brush my hair, to pull on my clothes. My uniform feels like a straitjacket, tight and suffocating. I skip breakfast again, the thought of sitting at the table with my parents makes my stomach churn. I grab my bag and head to the car, my dad already waiting, his face set in a permanent frown.

The drive to school is silent, the tension in the car thick and suffocating. I stare out the window, my mind drifting, barely listening as my dad starts lecturing me. He talks about my grades, my attitude, how I need to be more like my cousins, how I'm not living up to my potential. His words wash over me, empty and meaningless. I've heard it all before, a thousand times, and each time it cuts a little deeper, each time it makes me feel a little smaller, a little more worthless.

I nod along, my eyes on the passing scenery, the grey sky, the leafless trees. I wish I could just step out of the car, walk into the woods, and never come back. I wish I could disappear, fade away, and see if anyone even notices I'm gone.

We pull up to the school, and I mumble a goodbye, slipping out of the car before he can say anything else. The cold air bites at my skin, but I barely feel it. I walk to the music center, my steps slow, each one feeling like an effort. I push open the door, the familiar smell of the room washing over me, the sound of voices filling the air.

I find my place, my voice blending with the others, the music surrounding me, drowning out my thoughts. For a moment, I can almost forget, almost lose myself in the melody, but then I catch sight of my best friend. Her face is set in a scowl, her eyes dark with anger. I don't know what's upset her, but I know how this will end.

She takes her place beside me, her voice sharp, her words cutting. She snaps at me, her frustration spilling over, using me as a punching bag for her anger. It's always like this. Whenever she's in a bad mood, she takes it out on me, and I let her. I let her because I don't know how to stop it, because I don't want to lose her. But each word, each glare, chips away at me, leaves me feeling smaller, weaker.

By the time choir ends, I'm exhausted, my mood drained, my energy depleted. I grab my bag, my books for the day, my movements slow, each one an effort. The day stretches out before me, endless and empty, each class a blur, each interaction a reminder of how alone I am.

My friends barely acknowledge me, their conversations flowing around me, like I'm not even there. I try to join in, to laugh, to smile, but it feels forced, fake. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I'm fading, disappearing, and no one even notices.

By fourth session, I can't take it anymore. I sit at the table, the noise around me a dull roar, my mind racing. I wonder what would happen if I just disappeared. Would anyone care? Would anyone even notice? Maybe they'd be better off without me. Maybe the world would be better off without me.

I take deep breaths, trying to calm down, trying to stop the panic rising in my chest. I close my eyes, the darkness soothing, but the thoughts don't stop. They never stop. They're always there, whispering, taunting, reminding me of everything I've lost, everything I'll never have.

The rest of the day passes in a haze, each class blurring into the next. I feel like a ghost, drifting through the halls, unseen, unnoticed. By the time the final bell rings, I'm exhausted, my body heavy, my mind numb. I head home, my steps slow, each one an effort.

When I get home, I head straight to my room, my sanctuary, my prison. I flop onto my bed, my body sinking into the mattress, my mind drifting. I feel so empty, so numb, like I'm fading away. I reach for my cat, my fingers brushing his soft fur, his warmth comforting. He curls up beside me, his purring filling the silence, his presence soothing.

I close my eyes, my hand resting on his back, and let the darkness take me. I don't know how long I sleep, but when I wake, the sun is setting, the sky outside my window a deep orange. My cat is still beside me, his body warm against mine. I wish I could stay here forever, in this quiet, in this peace, but then I hear the door slam, voices shouting, anger filling the air.

I sit up, my heart pounding, my body tense. My parents are home, their voices loud, their anger palpable. I hear my brother's name, their shouts directed at him, but I know it's only a matter of time before it's turned on me. I brace myself, my hands clenched, my breath coming in short, quick gasps.

The door to my room flies open, my mom standing there, her face red, her eyes blazing. "What have you been doing all day?" she snaps, her voice sharp. "You've been lying in bed, doing nothing, while we've been dealing with your brother. You're so useless, you can't do anything right!"

Her words hit me like a slap, the sting of them cutting deep. I feel the anger rise, hot and fierce, the frustration, the pain, the loneliness boiling over. I stand, my body shaking, my fists clenched. "I didn't ask for this!" I shout, my voice breaking, the words tumbling out before I can stop them. "I didn't ask to be treated like this! I didn't ask to be ignored, to be yelled at, to be hurt!"

She steps forward, her hand raised, and I flinch, my body tensing, bracing for the blow. But she stops, her hand dropping, her face softening, her voice lowering. "We're just trying to help," she says, her voice gentle, but I don't believe her. I can't.

I turn away, my body trembling, my mind racing. I head back to my bed, my cat still there, his eyes wide, his body tense. I lie down, my back to my mom, my eyes on the wall, my mind numb. 

She steps forward again, her hand raised, as she smacks a hard blow to my back. I reel forward, gasping as the pain settles in. I don't react though; my face is still as lifeless as ever. I've just gotten too used to this. I hear her sigh, the door closing softly, her footsteps fading away.

I curl up, my arms wrapped around my cat, his purring filling the silence. I close my eyes, the darkness comforting, the silence soothing. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. All I know is that I'm tired. So tired. And I just want it all to end.