CORRECTIONS OF THE PAST

Dear Diary

Sitting up looking crazed my body hurts  all over and I've been in my bed for days. Called out of work and thank God the girls have a bus service to get to and from school.  I lean over grabbing my diary out my nightstand feeling lost.

Zac and I had another disagreement and this time I think it's truly over. I stare off into space replaying the last few months in my mind. How we met and then lost each other only to find each other again. It was like a fairytale and here I was sick to my stomach thinking I may have lost the only good thing I've had in a long time. Through the good the bad and the ugly I've had him. I feel myself smiling which is interrupted by my phone vibrating with another incoming call from Ian. Rolling my eyes I flip the phone over not in the mood for yet another argument. Getting up I go to the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror disgusted.  I quickly grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth next I throw some face wash on my face and rinse it off then pat my face dry. I head back into my bedroom back into my bed and pull my covers up as I sit my back against the headrest and just exhale a breath I didn't even know I was holding in.

Looking around at the color scheme I remember like it was yesterday when I decided on this and how each item was handpicked in this room. I decorated it with love now it seems like this place is falling apart and instead of love it's torture. The very home I took my time decorating piece by piece down to the bathroom mats is now the very home I dread coming home to daily. I can't believe I stayed this long trying to give my girls what I thought they needed. All while I was trying to give them the life I thought they deserved I was killing my self and slowly dying inside. Wasted years of my life. I wasn't living I was just existing. Grabbing my diary I needed yo vent and express myself express my feelings before I exploded.

Dear Diary,
Today is hard for me and the days seem to be getting harder with each passing minute. My life seems to be spiraling. Ian with his constant rants. His verbal abuse and now lately more and more physical fights we have shoving and pushing one another. Once he even drew back his hand as if he was going to slap me but I let him know the day he ever thinks to do that will be the day his mother  will need all black sooner rather than later. He just stared at me with a wild look because I've never really stood up for myself especially not with him.

I've begun blocking out anything to do with Ian. I can't even stomach the sight of him anymore. When I see him I use to feel all the hurt and pain he has caused now I sit and pity him because he doesn't even realize he had a good woman and he's lost me for good. I am tired of him and his excuses,  tired of his lies,  tired of this phony perfect life we have for the world to see but behind closed doors it's hell. I can't fake it anymore. I never got married to get divorced but then again I never got get married to get cheated on over and over again either. Or to have to open my doors as well as my homes paycheck to an outside child but here we are. Pain always comes eventually no matter how good no matter how perfect something seems Pain is always "present" especially when it comes to me.

My heart has travelled so many levels of trauma from Ian alone I was scared to let another person in. That was until I met Zac. I mean he is so charming always smiling bright especially when I see him with a laugh so contagious and loud I often find myself rushing over to cover his mouth when we are outside because people start staring. He is so intelligent our conversations can go from politics to TikTok videos but he never loses my focus. He makes me think about life not just the present but my future. He mentally stimulates me pushing me forward even on days when I am drained physically, mentally and spiritually he pushes me forward. His presence gives me butterflies even now he still takes my breath away. He still makes my heart skip beats. Our connection is like that of a puzzle we aren't the middles pieces but rather the edges the ones you neglect because you think they don't belong but once attached they hold the whole thing together and complete the puzzle. Yeah that's what we were to each other. We just fit we completed each other.

He grounds me even when I'm ready to pop off like a firecracker he extinguishes my flame and keeps me focused. I've never met a man so different yet so intriguing. He is a leader he has your girl wanting to submit wanting to be lead. I want to submit to this man I want to let my guards down and be in rare form. In his care I want to bask in my femininity and just be a woman not having to worry about anything. I don't know when I fell in love with him but I know by the time I realized I was so head over hills for him if he said "Jump" I would have responded how high. Your girl is gone. I mean he was in my head in my heart and in my everything. He was who I prayed for all those nights when I asked God for light for safety for protection for love for the ying to my yang. I prayed for someone who I could place my heart in the palm of their hands and they would crown me with their love and Zac was that. All of it. Lord I'm thankful because had I not been broken I could not be fixed. I know that a lot of our arguments steam from my past my insecurities and my quick to flip nature but I wasn't always like this. I need to fix what I have yet again broken I need to mend the gap.

I stay in my head about a lot of things and I'm realizing I'm going to lose this good man if I don't put in the effort to fix what's going on in my life. I'm thinking of seeing someone because I can't blame Zac for all the things that Ian has done to me. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up get out this bed and go and get my man. Thinking back it's funny how we became one.
After that night in the car Zac and I have been going strong. I guess one can say we became a thing if that's even possible I mean here I am a married woman and he's a married man but yeah he's MY MAN and I'm HIS GIRL and the rest well let's just say we are both working on the Corrections of our Past....

Thanks Diary

This is a filler chapter until then just read 🤣