Toni- "How are you feeling Toni?" Doctor Stevens asks as I sit on the exam table. "Like a ray of sunshine" I say wanting to roll my eyes at the question. I really shouldn't be angry at my doctor considering everything he has done for me, but how am I supposed to be feeling right now? I'm dying!
He pulls back from listening to my heartbeat and frowns at me reminding me of a disappointed grandfather. I sigh, "I'm sorry I'm just tired. This past week all I have been doing is sleeping. And I have been getting migraines followed by dizziness so bad, I almost passed out in my shower just this morning" I reveal and he writes it down on the pad. "Have you been experiencing any nosebleeds? Nausea?" He asks and I answer yes to both.
The sigh he lets out does nothing to make me feel better and I fall back on the exam table dramatically. "Go ahead Doctor" I tell him. "With your health rapidly declining Toni, you are looking at a few weeks to live, three maximum. You are on the top of our list for a heart now-" "but my blood type doesn't match any donors" I finish for him and he nods empathetically.
"So what do I do?" I ask knowing I am not going to like the answer. "I would recommend hospice care-I know we talked about it before and you didn't like the idea of going, but you're health is only going to decline worse in the upcoming weeks and I want to do everything to ensure you are...comfortable" he finishes and I laugh bitterly at the word.
Comfortable and death do not sound like two words that belong together. I haven't been comfortable since I was seven years old and I found out that I was slowly dying. Now I am knocking on deaths door and the last thing I can think to be is comfortable...
When I get to my apartment I am surprised to see Caleb sitting on the couch, waiting for me. He has been at his friend house nearly all week since finding out about my impending death. I have let him have this space and time to himself to do what he has to process what is happening. But I have missed him.
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"Hey Bubba" I say cautiously as I approach the living room. He looks up with a small smile before looking away, "hey mama" he says and my heart warms at the feeling of hearing my favorite title in the world. Mama.
I start to speak until he blurts out, "I want to see Alice." My eyes widen in shock, "oh?" He talks quickly, "it's not because you are...well kind of, but I just want to talk to her before you..." he tries to explain. I quickly stop him by sitting next to him and placing a hand over his. "Hey Bubba, you do not have to explain to me why you want to see your mother, this is a good thing" I say and I mean it. Mostly. There is a tiny part of me that wants to protect him from the world, including his mother. I am not going to be here much longer to do that though.
"Okay, can you maybe tell her to meet me at the park around four? I have my team interview today, so we can do it after that" he says and I smile thinking of how proud I am of him. He got early admittance into Boston U and one of the best basketball scholarships out. Now all he has to do is finish his last year of high school. I cannot wait to watch him walk across that graduation sta-0h.
