𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐛 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐁𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐭𝐬 [18+]

19 · god damn, just fuck me.

Daniel was predictable.

Some guy delivered a white rose bouquet this morning with multiple notes filled with Daniel's apologies. It was a pity they were beautiful. I didn't even pause to inhale the fragrance; I accepted it with a smile and left it to wither. And it's probably now shrivelled in the trash can.

The call with Cole went a little sour last night. He was crying when I answered. And he mumbled to me that he was probably going to relapse.

I didn't take that well—I might've blamed him for not trying harder and yelled at him for hanging up on me. When I dialled him again, it only led to voicemail. I understood that sometimes urges are out of people's control. He was irresponsible and reckless just like me; his way of dealing with addiction was similar to how I always struggled to stay afloat alcohol-free. When things got shitty, it was easier to wallow in anxiety and go back to old habits instead of breaking the cycle.

One drink and I'll be okay. Another one and it'll all go away.
That is what I liked to tell myself years ago. I still harboured those thoughts sometimes. But letting my self-destructive nature win hadn't gotten me anywhere, so I'd been trying my damn best to not fuck things up.

I knew it was horrible for my mental health but somehow in a strange way, cutting myself put me at ease.

It felt like my insecurities peeled away with each wound I inflicted.

But once they healed, the cycle would begin again.

It was sad to witness my sibling going through the same cycle I had to break. I needed to help him. The thing was, I wasn't sure where he lived. He could still be in Connecticut, or Illinois or even Florida; he was always on the road and moving places.

Unlike me, he found it easier to change the scenery and make new friends and live spontaneouly. It was his way to cope.

He worked as a bartender, an artist, a photographer, a life guard, anything. It wasn't likely that he worked at the same place for more than half a year.

The only way to accurately track him down was to contact my mom. And I no longer wanted to talk to her unless I missed Thomas and Thalia, and wanted to make sure they were treated right.

If she was still dating that shady cop, then she was in Hartford. I could try to talk some sense into her and stop her from blackmailing me.

I shot him a text first thing in the morning.

S: you're being selfish. you know mom. how can you be sure she's not neglecting your kids?

He replied later in the evening, when I was in the break room, mulling over my past relationship with Daniel.

C: that was when we were kids. she's changed.

S: huh yeah ofc it seems so. she spends more than 150K a year on gambling