Miss Unattainable

6

Ann Mei looked relieved when Georgie opened the door. Georgie just stood in the doorway for a moment, awkwardly. "I ordered some takeout," the older woman said. "I just need to go down and get it."

Georgie sighed. "You ... you don't need to do all this Ann Mei. I'm not your problem anymore, remember?" Ann Mei's eyes went cold. "Just stay here," she ordered, before turning on her heel and taking off down the hall. Georgie made her way back to the living room, taking a seat on the very comfy sectional. She noticed a pharmacy bag sitting innocently on the coffee table. Picking it up, she cringed as she noticed her name printed on the side.

Tearing open the top, she was presented with the familiar orange and white bottles. She pulled them out one by one; Latuda, Wellbutrin, Ubrelvy, Clonazepam. Georgie felt herself stiffen, deeply embarrassed. Right. The hospital had given the script to Ann Mei when they discharged her.

That whole evening was so hazy, the ativan and antipsychotics in her system blurring everything together. She remembered someone coming to pick her up, the nurse said she called her emergency contacts, and she remembered hearing Ann Mei's voice. Although, she wasn't fully sure whether it was another one of the hallucinations.

But she had woken up in her room, only to find a note and an extra $500 in her wallet from Ann Mei. And then she ran. Now, Ann Mei truly knew what was wrong with her all along— why she was so prone to hallucinations, how she could stay up for days, partying and working. Great. Just one more thing for Ann Mei to hold over her. If she wanted, she could make it very, very difficult for Georgie to find employment again, in any industry.

She was crying again. She had done too much of that recently. Georgie had always hated Ann Mei seeing her cry. Hated that pitying stricken expression she would always get, hated that it was the only time Ann Mei tried to talk to her. Ann Mei had seen her cry a lot over the years. After her father had screamed at her, after she had been groped at the club, and the many times she'd been so drunk and high she didn't even know her own name.

The door opened, and Ann Mei caught her there on the couch, clutching the pill bottles. Georgie quickly scrambled to put them back in the bag, as Ann Mei set the food down on the kitchen island. "Gianna" she said, her voice soft. She slowly made her way over to the couch. "I didn't know. I wouldn't have ..." she paused, looking deeply upset with herself.

"You wouldn't have done what? Fired me? Prevented others from hiring me? Please Ann Mei," Georgie scoffed, choking a bit on her tears, "The fact that I'm mentally fucked up doesn't mean what I did to you is any less wrong." She shook her head. "You got the last laugh, and your revenge. I can't say I didn't deserve it." Georgie said honestly, staring at Ann Mei.

She wiped her eyes. "But that's done now. Why can't you just leave me be now. I promise I won't bother you again." Ann Mei froze like she had just slapped her. She pressed the back of hand over her mouth and looked away. "I—"

"I just want to help you," Ann Mei stammered, that soft but genuine expression on her face. The expression she only would make for her. Georgie just snorted. "Ann Mei, the only person that can help me is well, me. You couldn't have fixed me then and you can't fix me now. I've been an alcoholic since I turned 16 and had mood episodes long before that." And because she was on a roll, she continued. "Do you think I didn't know that I had a drinking problem? That my father hated me? That you hate me?"

"I don't." Ann Mei interrupted. "I don't hate you. I never have, honestly. I hate what you did to me, I hated your selfishness, your ignorant privilege, and how you cared so much about everyone's approval," she said. "I hate a lot of things about what happened, Gianna. But that hate never extended to you."

Georgie just stared at her, eyes wide. Ann Mei reached out, brushing a tear away with her thumb. "And especially, I hate seeing you cry," she whispered, touching Georgie's shoulder ever so gently, running her fingers down her forearm. "Come. You need to eat something," she said firmly, tugging the other woman towards the island, and snatching up the medication bag with her free hand.

Ann Mei dished up a huge portion of food, dumplings, noodles, veggies, a mantou, set it down in front of her. "Eat." She ordered. She placed the prescription bottles in front of her. "And then... what you usually take." Her stare was piercing. It was clear she wasn't going to take her eyes off her until she eaten something. Georgie sighed, taking a few bites, then the meds— save the Ubrelvy, and went back to eating. Ann Mei plated her own food, but didn't take her eyes off Georgie.

They ate in silence. Georgie wouldn't be able to say anything anyways. She was still processing what Ann Mei had said. All these years she thought the older woman had hated her. Ann Mei wasn't a naturally warm person, preferring to stick to herself and keep her head down, valuing her silence. It seemed like the only time she talked was to reprimand Georgie for something, whether that be work or her drinking. And she always hovered, which Georgie had thought was her micromanaging, because she believed Georgie wasn't competent.

"I should go. I— I need to sleep," she admitted, cringing all the while. She hated this feeling, of being a burden. It was a familiar feeling. Dead weight. Ann Mei reached out, placing her hand atop hers. "Stay. Please. You can use the guestroom. I— I can't let you leave right now." She sounded afraid, concern evident in the way she kept inspecting Georgie. Like she thought she'd keel over and die right in front of her.

"Ok." Georgie acquiesced. She let Ann Mei take her hand, and lead her to the guest room. Settling into the queen, she took a deep breath, willing herself to sleep— knowing that Ann Mei was just outside.

Georgie didn't know how much time had passed, but she suddenly sat up, extremely nauseous. She quickly got up, fumbling to the lights as she opened up each door, desperately searching for the washroom, hand over her lips. She finally found the en suite and banged open the toilet seat, before emptying the contents of her stomach. Fuck. She'd forgotten the nausea that came with withdrawl and suddenly starting medication again.

Ann Mei burst in not even a minute later, looking concerned. She saw her hunched over the toilet, looking slightly green. "Oh Gianna," she said so softly that Georgie couldn't even will herself to be mad. She sat down next to her, and began rubbing her back softly. It took Georgie back nine years, when Ann Mei used to do the same.

"I'm sorry," Georgie cried, feeling disgusting both physically and mentally. She had promised she'd never do this again. "Oh sweetheart, don't apologize," Ann Mei soothed, "you can't help it." And she stayed with Georgie for the next half hour, as she cried and intermittently threw up.

Shame burned deep. Perhaps Ann Mei was right. She hadn't changed much. She felt like the same 20-year-old girl, as she let Ann Mei lead her back to bed. Sliding into the sheets, she closed her eyes tightly, too ashamed to ask for what she really wanted. Ann Mei, perceptive as always when it came to her, offered instead. "I'll stay with you, ok?" She asked. Georgie just nodded, knowing she wouldn't be able to get words out right now.

The older woman slid in beside her, opening her arms, and Georgie just fell into them, clinging to her. She knew she should be ashamed. But she just didn't have it in her to fight this. She felt Ann Mei sigh, and the woman leaned forward, kissing her forehead. She closed her eyes, finally feeling safe.