Love Letters | l.h

1. 13th January, 2023

Apart of me knows he doesn't love me anymore. Not in the way he used to, at least. I cried for an unknown amount of time after that, tentatively sitting on the edge of my bed like it could tip over at any moment. I felt each breath crawl down my chest and back out again. I glance back up at the bed linen he was tangled in moments before, but somewhere else I'm left to wonder whether apart of us had already died. I don't really feel like going through with that thought, or entertaining it any further - so I leave it to dry in the back of my mind. Am I not enough for him? Or maybe, deep down inside my twisted head I know the lengths I'd go for him are just not what he would for me. He's so blissfully unaware of these circumstances that I almost feel sick.

Dropping each leg from the bed frame I push upwards, needing to relieve myself from the stale heaviness weighing on my narrow room. A voice calls out from the hallway before I'm even at the door, "Are you in there, Evelyn?" I remain quiet for a moment, shifting the weight between my bare feet. "Yeah, yeah I am." My mother has never been the warmest woman, but she's always tried her best to get through to me. I assume she heard our muffled dispute through the thin bare walls. I wonder how much she discerned, or whether goodbyes were exchanged. "Did you want tea now or shall I leave your plate in the fridge?" The door still stands between us but neither of us go to open it. "You can leave it in the fridge, I'll come down later. Thanks mum." I feel her nod through the pale doorframe, "OK". The subsequent steps reverberate through the light oak floorboards and up my somewhat cold feet.

Again, I'm left with this chaos of thought that consumes me. I've always been there for him, but stupidly I never thought to myself whether he was ever there for me. I shake my head as a desperate attempt to rid myself of this cruel fluid permeating my brain. It feels sticky and molten at the same time - I'm burning up in here. I rush to twist the door knob, my legs crumbling after one another in a frantic scramble. With two fingers pressed at my left temple I continue downstairs and quietly past the dining room where the others remain. Avoiding their notice I slip out the front door, still barefoot, and across the sun deck. I sink into the top step, resting my head on the dark timber baluster. Its warmth bleeds into my skin, the evening summer sunlight still fierce. Coledale has always been oven-like at this time of year, some Januarys drier than others. This year feels particularly torrid, I think.

My black tank top leaves my sandy shoulders exposed, regrettably so - as a strange man in an all grey tracksuit skims by. His dark doddery eyes blatantly trace down from my collarbone. I feel a terrible shudder down my spine, to my core. I've never seen him before. He doesn't deviate from his path, continuing on indifferently. I dig my nails further into the decking, wishing I could just disappear. I don't know how long has passed but another figure slides by my peripheral. She spares me a glance before pleasant surprise swells her warm features, "Evelyn! What are you doing out here, you weirdo". I smile weakly in return, Jayda lives a few doors down - she has since primary school. She must be walking home. "I wish I knew." She fills the empty space beside me on the step, bubbling away. I loosen slightly. "We were wondering where you were y'know, thought you might've died or something." Humour laces her words. We were supposed to meet at the pub on the corner of Cater and Hyde street for dinner. I really have no clue how I forgot. I penitently pull my legs up to my chin and sigh heavily, "Shit, I completely forgot, Jayda. I'm so sorry." She tilts her head at me, a puzzled expression crossing her face. "Is everything alright?" She's serious now, her high spirit evaporating into the warm air. The molten fluid tugs at my brain again, and I struggle to contain it. "I think Luke has fallen out of love with me." Her high spirits are completely idle now, dead in the doldrums. "He was here, earlier?" I nod gently and she rests her right hand on my sleeveless forearm. "He didn't say that, did he?" The fluid sticks to the back of my eyes now, begging to be liberated. "He didn't have to. It was implied." My breath is thick - stiff but weakened. My throat tightens and Jayda closes her eyes for a moment, "Oh God Evelyn, I'm so sorry. This is all just so out of the blue, don't you think?" I shake my head, "No. It's hard to explain, I wish I could but I think I just need to sit with my thoughts for a bit, alone - you know?" Jayda recognises my sentiment and moves her hand to my left shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. "I'll call in tomorrow then, yeah?" The evening sun is hiding under the horizon now. I nod, "Yeah."