A veil of hearts

•a cold lecture•

25
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Aina's POV

My finger hovers over the send button for what feels like an eternity. The words on the screen blur as I read them for the hundredth time:

"Dear Professor Joshua,

I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to formally apologize for my recent absences and to update you on my situation.

Firstly, I want to express my sincere gratitude for all you have done for me, particularly in teaching microbiology. Your lectures and guidance have been invaluable to my academic journey.

I've been dealing with some personal issues, and I've come to realize that I need to seek professional help to work through them. I've started seeing a therapist and am committed to this process of self-improvement.

I appreciate all the support you've offered beyond your role as my professor. However, I believe it's best for me to focus on my healing process independently at this time. Please know that your concern has been noted and appreciated, but no further support is necessary.

I will be returning to class soon and I assure you that I will catch up on all missed work promptly. Thank you for your understanding during this time.

Respectfully, Aina"

With a deep breath, I finally press send. The swoosh of the email departing feels like a physical thing, carrying with it a piece of my heart.

I set my phone down on my desk, then pick it up again almost immediately. No response yet, of course. It's late. He's probably asleep. Or maybe he's awake, reading my email right now, formulating a response...

Stop it, Aina. You're overthinking this.

I flop onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. The truth is, every word of that email was both honest and a lie. Yes, I'm dealing with personal issues. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist. But the real reason for my absence, the real struggle I'm facing? It's him. It's these feelings I can't shake, this connection I feel that goes far beyond student and teacher.

I close my eyes, remembering the way he looks at me sometimes in class. Like he sees me, really sees me. Not just as a student, but as a person. As a woman.

No. I can't think like that. He's my professor. This is wrong on so many levels.

But if it's so wrong, why does it feel so right?

I grab my pillow, hugging it to my chest. Part of me hopes he'll respond immediately, tell me not to worry, that everything will be okay. Another part of me is terrified he'll do just that, and things will go back to normal, and I'll have to pretend these feelings don't exist.

My phone buzzes, and I nearly jump out of my skin. But it's just Bella, asking if I want to study together tomorrow. I send back a quick "maybe" before setting my phone aside again.

What am I doing? I'm pushing away the one person I want to be closest to. But it's for the best, isn't it? We can't... we couldn't ever...

Could we?

No. Stop it, Aina. This is reality, not some romantic novel. There are rules, ethics, consequences.

I roll over, burying my face in my pillow. Sleep seems impossible, but I know I need to try. Tomorrow, I'll wake up, go to class, and face Professor Joshua. I'll be the perfect student, professional and distant. I'll ignore the way my heart races when he says my name, the electricity I feel when our eyes meet.