Words I Refused to Say; Letters I Didn't Send

EEN

Visha's

"I still wonder what you would have been if you hadn't passed."

***

I'm walking through the cemetery, thinking how would it feel to be the one buried underneath. Is it peaceful? Will I suffer? Be able to breathe? Probably not. Because to be buried is to be dead, and by the time that I'm the one lying on a casket, I will no longer be breathing.

I took a deep breath and shook the thoughts away, it has been awhile since I've been here, years actually. And that was my first and last. I could never bring myself to come back here because everyday, I still grieve. And it is still painful to face the reality of it. The reality that she's never coming back. See, that's the thing eh. P'wede tayo mabuhay nang normal, p'wede tayo magpatuloy sa araw-araw na routine, ngumiti na parang walang iniisip o dinadalang mabigat na bagahe. Pero the truth is, we can barely get by. Hindi pa rin natin maaalis o maiiwasan na makita yung reyalidad na may mga bagay o tao na wala na sa'tin.

And what hurts more is facing that reality. Kasi hindi ko naman p'wedeng ikulong yung sarili ko sa ganitong sistema ng buhay. I yearn to be free, and for that to happen, I must let go. Of everything. Masakit pa rin, it still feels like yesterday, pero I have dreams to continue pursuing and I can't let the pain to consume and deprived me of the life we both wanted. So here I am.

I arrived to a very familiar grave after what seemed like forever. I stared at the name carved into it, a very familiar name that I long to hear again. But that's just wishful thinking now, unrealistic.

***

Kamari Dream Archemedez
God's gift, a daughter, and an angel
March 01, 2017 - June **, 2020

***

"Hey there, my dreamy nugget. How are you?" I bit my lips as I let out those words.

"I'm sorry it took so long for mommy to come see you. I miss you so much, love. Hindi ka naman siguro nagtatampo sa akin 'no? Mimi will understand if you are, I have no more excuses at this point. Losing you made me lose myself as well, baby." I looked down.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, sinisisi ko pa rin ang sarili ko for what happened. And the worst part of it is no matter how much the guilt eats me, hindi ka na babalik sa'kin." I smiled, bitterly.

"I'm still stuck on the past. And I want to move forward, to start new. But I- I couldn't, I didn't, because ev-everywhere I go, I'm reminded of you. I miss you so much and it h-hurts. I wanted nothing more but to be reminded of you, but life started to stop for me, and now I want to make it start running again." I couldn't help but let out a sob, my voice trembling, and my heart is hurting. Every part of me does.

"If you were here, you wouldn't waste a second to run and wipe my tears away. But you're n-not, and it's okay. It's okay, dream. I know how much you dislike it when I cry, you always tell me I cry ugly to make me laugh. God, I miss your laugh, baby. I miss your tiny I love you's, I miss how you call me mimi and kiss me all over my face when I come home." My tears fell, continuously, like rainfalls.

"I miss everything about you, and I I will keep on missing you, remembering you, you will always live in my heart, Dream. You will always be here. Always and forever." I let out another sob and put my hand on my chest, I looked down and as I did, I felt the wind pass, and I just know that she's here, I took a deep breath.