I've been staring outside the hospital window for who knows how long now, heavy rain has been pouring out since morning and here i am still dazed of what's happening lately.
I crashed into my thoughts when i heard a knock, i didn't bother to know who it was im not interested, not anymore.
"Alex" another friend of mine came, i was facing the other way around so i won't see people, i don't want to see any of them right now.
"Sorry I came too late" he pulled a chair and sat in front of me
"Alex, don't be too hard on yourself--" i cut him off, i know he's just going to give me that cliché line people tell others to feel better but it won't work on me, because i know im at fault.
"Clyde, don't try to make me feel better cause you won't"
He sighed and clasped both of his hand "Fine. Just so you know, there are people outside this room who cares about you, why don't you be considerate not just for them but for yourself too. Try to live Alex, maybe just then you'll see what it's all worth"
The loud bang the door made echoed all over the room, i picked up my phone and saw my inbox flooded by messages of my friends but i didn't open any of it, im not ready.
"Anak" here she goes again, im not even sure why she's here, she abandoned me, they both did so what's the point.
"What now? Aren't you getting tired?" i said with my voice dripping sarcasm
"Im sorry anak, please talk to me. I'm your mom it hurts me to see you like this"
I looked at her, she got the nerve to call herself a mother?
"Hurt? Mom? Since when did you became my mother?" she held my hand but i just shrugged it off.
"Im sorry anak, im sorry please forgive me"
"Do you know what it feels like? Sleeping under your relatives roof just so you could live because both of your parents decided to have the life they've been wanting? A life without a burden? A life without a son to worry about? I've been trying to console myself that someday you would come back for me, but you didn't! You never did! And now your calling yourself a mother!?"
She began crying, i wanted to hug her but the fire inside me prevented me to do so. Anger overpowers my son instinct, i can't control myself i need to blow of some steam. It's now or never.
"Anak Im sorry, i was young and reckless. I was afraid of having you, that i couldn't be a mother to you because im still a kid myself, your dad thought the same, we were too naive to have you. Anak i tried, i tried to be a mother but i just can't, i wanted freedom, i wanted my life back, we were miserable with each other, and too fed up of our immaturities that's why your father agreed to a divorce. We don't want you to grow up to a primitive family so we decided to give you to our relatives, in that way we thought you'd be able to live a happy life without us."
"Freedom!? How dare you involve an innocent child to your selfish decisions!? Dammit! Can you imagine how life was for a ten year old kid with separated parents lived? It was hell! Seeing your cousins happy with both of their parents, eating dinner, celebrating birthdays together while i was alone, watching them complete, happy and contended! I was dying of jealousy! And now your coming back claiming yourself as a mother!? Shame on you!"
"Sorry Alex, Im really sorry anak, patawarin mo ko, i didn't know you felt that way" she cried
"I begged for you, i begged for both of you but what did you do!? Huh!? What did you do!? You slapped me with the reality of you and dad having your own family! That i don't fit in your lives anylonger! Because I was just a product of your horny, craving, lustful bodies!" she slapped me as her cries became louder
I clenched my fist, she has no right to cry when Im the one who suffered from her decisions, I have all the rights to be mad and hold grudge against them.
"Why do you have to come back huh!? My life was better without you and dad! I lived by myself for sixteen years without you, lifetime is no difference"
