Beneath The Seasons

[7] Secret Santa

It's been a week since the whole almost-kiss under the mistletoe with Axel, and I'm still not over it. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face, inches from mine, his breath warm against my lips.

We haven't talked about it-haven't talked at all, really. Every interaction since has been strictly project-related, and even then, it's been minimal. Awkward. Forced.

"Liv, you're spacing out again," Rory says, snapping me back to reality. We're sitting in the cafeteria, and I've been stirring my soup for so long it's cold. Rory and Abby are watching me like

I'm some science experiment about to explode.

"Sorry," I mumble, taking a sip of the lukewarm soup. "Just... tired, I guess."

"Tired of Axel, more like it," Abby teases, smirking. "You two have been acting like strangers lately. Did something happen?"

Rory nudges her. "Give her a break, Abby. They've got a lot going on."

I glance at Abby, and she raises an eyebrow. I know she knows. She knows everything, but she's waiting for me to spill the tea myself.

"It's nothing," I say, trying to sound casual. "We're just focused on the project, that's all."

Abby doesn't buy it, but she doesn't push either. Instead, she changes the subject, talking about the Christmas celebration we've all planned-a small get-together with a Secret Santa gift exchange. The group idea, of course. I'm not feeling it, but it's better than dwelling on everything else.

"I hope I don't get Will," Rory grumbles. "I have no idea what to get him."

"Doesn't he like those fancy action figures?" Abby suggests.

"Yeah, but he's got like a million of them. It's so hard to find one he doesn't have," Rory replies, rolling her eyes. "I swear, boys are impossible to shop for."

I'm not listening anymore. My mind's wandered back to Axel. What would I even get him if I pulled his name? A personality transplant? Some chill pills? I sigh, wishing I could stop thinking about him.

Later that day, we all gather in the library to draw names for our Secret Santa. The atmosphere is light, but I can feel the tension buzzing just beneath the surface. Everyone seems excited, except for me and Axel. I catch him stealing glances at me when he thinks I'm not looking, but I don't let on that I notice.

"Alright, everyone, gather around!" Rory announces, holding up a small bowl filled with folded slips of paper. "Time to draw names for Secret Santa!"

She shakes the bowl, mixing up the slips of paper. One by one, we reach in and draw our names. I unfold mine slowly, my heart thudding in my chest. Axel Clark. My stomach flips. Of course, I get him. This is the universe's twisted sense of humor at play.

I sneak a glance at Axel, and he's staring at his own slip of paper with a complicated expression. I wonder who he got, and whether he's as nervous about this as I am. I can't help but feel the weight of the silence between us, heavier now with the knowledge that I have to find a gift that somehow suits him.

Rory leans in close to Will, whispering something in his ear. He chuckles softly, his arm slipping around her waist. They've been dating for a while now, and seeing them so comfortable with each other makes me feel a pang of envy. It must be nice, being that sure of someone.

"Well, I guess that's that," Nathan says, clapping his hands together. "Remember, the gift exchange is in a week. Don't screw it up."

He glances over at Axel, who just rolls his eyes. There's a strange tension between them lately, one I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it's about more than just this Secret Santa thing.

As everyone starts to disperse, Abby loops her arm through mine. "Come on, Liv," she says, nudging me. "We've got to start thinking about gifts. This isn't just some random exchange; it's a chance to show how well we know each other."

I nod, but my mind is elsewhere. The weight of Axel's name in my hand feels like a secret too heavy to carry. As we leave the library, I catch a glimpse of Axel slipping out the door, his expression unreadable. I wonder what he's thinking, and whether he knows I'm his Secret Santa.

The next few days are filled with a kind of nervous energy. I find myself constantly thinking about Axel and what to get him. I don't want to just get him something generic; I want it to mean something. But how do you buy a gift for someone who's so closed off? Someone who never lets you in?

I sit with Rory and Abby in the courtyard one afternoon, brainstorming ideas. "What do you think Axel would want?" I ask, trying to sound casual.

Abby gives me a look. "You're his Secret Santa, aren't you?"

I groan. "Yeah. I have no idea what to get him. I mean, what do you get for someone like Axel?"

Rory thinks for a moment, twirling a strand of her hair around her finger. "Maybe something that shows you understand him. He's always drawing, right? Maybe something related to that?"

I nod, considering it. "Yeah, but I feel like that's too... I don't know, too surface-level. I want to get him something that means something."

Abby grins. "Look at you, wanting to get a thoughtful gift for Axel. You sure there's nothing going on between you two?"

I roll my eyes. "Nothing like that. I just... I don't know. I feel like I need to get this right."

Later, I decide to do some subtle detective work, trying to observe him more closely. He's always doodling in his notebooks, drawing these intricate designs in the margins. Maybe something art-related? But that feels too easy. Too impersonal.

Axel seems just as lost. I overhear him talking to Nathan and Will in the hallway, asking for ideas.

"What does she like?" Axel asks, sounding frustrated.

Nathan shrugs. "Liv's complicated, man. She likes music, writing, stuff like that. But it's not just about what she likes, it's about what matters to her, you know?"

Will chimes in, "Yeah, Liv's got this whole sentimental side. She likes things with meaning."

I smile to myself, touched that they know me so well, but also wondering how much Axel really knows about me. We've spent so much time arguing and bickering that it's hard to tell.

The days crawl by, each one a blur of classes and half-hearted attempts to think of a gift. I start to doubt myself. What if I get him something and he hates it? What if it's too personal or not personal enough? I feel like I'm walking a tightrope, every step filled with uncertainty.

While walking through the hallway, I bump into Axel. We both freeze, caught off guard. It's like the universe is playing its own little game with us today.

"Hey," I say, trying to sound casual. My voice betrays me, though, wavering slightly.

He shrugs, his eyes darting away. "Hi."

There's a moment of awkward silence. I can feel the weight of everything unsaid pressing down on us. I clear my throat, deciding to just go for it. "Listen, Axel... about that conversation I overheard with Nathan..."

He blinks, clearly surprised I'm bringing it up. "Yeah?"

I take a deep breath, pushing past my own nerves. "If you ever need to talk, or whatever... I'm here. Even though we're not really... friends."

He stares at me, clearly stunned. It's like he wasn't expecting that at all. "Thanks, Olivia. Same goes for you."

I nod, and for a moment, it feels like we might be on the verge of something-like maybe he's going to say something more. But then he just turns and walks away, leaving me standing there in the middle of the hallway, my mind spinning with all the possibilities.