LONG DISTANCE SITUATION-SHIP

BRAVERY

Notwithstanding my initial mettle, when I got back to my apartment that evening, I was nervous. I decided I was still going to slide into his DM, but stalking his page would suffice for now. I looked at his timeline, and I thought he was smart, not because he tweeted mostly about politics but because, let us face it, in 2017, everyone talked about politics, even people who genuinely had nothing to say. He was making so much sense through his opinions; some I agreed with, some I didn't, and even then, I couldn't get angry because his points were well articulated without bigotry or judgment.

I went to sleep that night after performing my Isha prayers. On my phone screen was the picture of MK I was looking at.

The next day, like the universe wanted to help me, a tweet fell onto my lap. Someone had posted;

'If I slide into your D.M., specify your relationship status if you are engaged; when I say ''hey'' type ENG, married type MRD, in a relationship type REL...

What in the universe's way of saying "Go for it, gyal" was this? So, like a good girl, I retweeted it and had it pinned for good measure because I reasoned that when someone slides into your D.M., they would go to check their sliders page, and I was hoping he would see it and let me down coolly if he wasn't interested.

After a day, I texted him,

[Wednesday 10:00 pm]: 'Hi' I had texted

[Thursday 04:05 am]: 'Hello.' He replied.

[Thursday 3:49 pm]: 'My name is Noor; can I ask yours?' I texted.

'Shit, is this a job interview? Cringing so hard, I put my phone under my pillow and buried my face in it. I deserve this embarrassment. 'Can I ask yours? The fudge is that? Aarghhh!!!" If I had one of those cartoon angels and devils on my shoulder, at this point I imagine the red devil would say something like, 'Ruin this, why don't you?' and the angel, 'Sister, what are you doing?'

Still, I waited

And waited

And then I waited some more.

Friday evening, I was convinced he wasn't going to reply and that I had made an utter fool out of myself; he probably saw my cringe-worthy message and thought what a weirdo I was. I moved on, or rather I was going to start to do so by the end of today. With that thought, I went to the local grocery shop to get a tub of ice cream so I could wallow in cookies, cream, and sadness. I checked my X inbox before I opened the ice cream fridge, deciding then that if there was no reply, I was moving to Mars.

[Friday 8:30 pm]: 'Maxwell, I apologize for the late reply. I'm usually busy Monday through Thursday. You have a lovely name.'

Now, hold up. Between 3:49 am on Wednesday, when I had sent my last message, and today, Friday, I reached as far as the Delete X option in my settings. I had thought that was it for me; Noor finally embarrassed herself.

The second problem was that Muhammad Kabir was a Maxwell Kelechi. God help me.

***

I know what you might be thinking—didn't I check his bio for his name? What made me think MK automatically meant Muhammad Kabir?

The truth was, I did... or didn't I? I am sure I did. I repeated convincing myself that I wasn't as stupid as to make this rookie mistake. Fair enough, I should probably not have assumed what MK stood for. In my infatuation, I had assumed that because I knew four MKs, three of which were all named "Muhammad-Kabir," and the fact that Muhammad Kabir was such a common name combination in Nigeria, he was also Muhammad Kabir. Dumb-Dumb Noor.