In The Last Sunset: A confession, not a story

Chapter 3: Closure?

I chose not to go home that night, I stayed at the hotel near the bridge. After talking to Ken, I was filled with a lot more mystery. He needed to tell me why I should talk to Hiru and every time I asked him why, he would just evade the question and tell me it's important. So I left him in the car and umuwi mag-isa, if he wont tell me anything then fine. It's not that I'm expecting him too.

The time passed by and I couldn't really fall asleep. My mind feels awake, filled with too many thoughts. My phone has been bombarded by messages of old friends who're trying to enter my life once more. Gigi, my cousin, she chatted with me asking where I am. I told her na maulan and I ended up in a hotel kasi delikadong mag-drive pauwi.

Sa totoo lang kahit hindi umulan, I would have stayed here. Alone with my thoughts. Away from the problems, away from everyone. There is something in solitude that is so addicting, the silences, the peace but it also makes me lonely, makes me feel I'm alone and disconnected. I busied myself, in hopes for the clouds of thoughts to go away, to go somewhere else entirely.

I thought of my dreams and aspirations back then.

All I want is to be financially stable so I can live my own life, not to be dependent on anyone. Sabi ko sa sarili ko dati, kahit ano basta malaki ang sweldo. At a young age, I understand that money can grant you freedom, it cannot buy it pero the more you money have, the freer you get.

I remember having a conversation with Rei when we were kids. I always admire Rei for always knowing her dreams. She always dreams to serve, to lead. She always talks about being a lawyer, a defender of the people and I always admired her for that.

Maya-maya pa I received another notification, fed up with the buzzing sound of my phone, I grabbed my phone at iti-turn on ko na sana ang DND when I received a message from Hiru and another message from Ken.

Hiru Nakamura:

Hey, can we meet up tomorrow? I have important things to say.

Kenneth Santiago:

Talk to her. It's important.

I just stared at the message. I chose to reply, just to get this done. We decided to meet after the mass on Sunday for dinner. I clicked DND and decided to go back to bed. I just lie awake, anxious about everything.

...

I woke up at 3 am and I don't feel well. My body feels burning, and I feel dizzy. I try to stand up but my leg feels like jello. I realized I was sick yesterday.

I just lie there, unable to do anything. I have medicine in my bag but nasa kabilang part s'ya ng room. Naiiyak nalang ako sa kondisyon ko. I can't help but to think of how pathetic I am. I came back here to repent and to atone. To find peace and closure for Rei and I pero the more I stay here, the more it hurts. I'm only here for a day and it feels like an eternity already, I feel like I am reliving everything.

Suddenly, everything flashes back on my mind, every mistake, every wrong decision, my flaws, everything that contributes to where I am right now. I'm 25 years old, a college drop-out, na wala pang napapatunayan sa mundo. Medyo swinerte ako sa career since nung na-discover ako but aside from there's nothing worth mentioning.

My life right now is like a broken record. Always repeating. Stucked in the same set of scene for years. No one told me that when you lose a person, it is hard to let go of them. That letting go means also losing a part of you that loves that person most.

I have been holding on to Rei for years, the guilt and regret haunting me like a ghost wanting revenge. The funny thing about it, that even though I always think Rei , I can't remember what she looks like anymore or the sound of her voice. I have forgotten her jokes, the sound of her laugh and the shape of her lips when she smiles.