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TAEHYUNG'S POV;
The next time I opened My eyes were mid night ..Did i just sleep through the whole day ? ... Probably , I dont remember ..I pushed the blanket aside , My whole body is burning ...Am I feverish ? Or is it because I slept in covers on such a hot day ? ...
Shaking my head I got Up and tossed down the bed , My legs feels like jelly ..I shook off the urge to fall back on bed and managed walked to the bathroom .. Once I was In front of the sink , I wet The Handkerchief with cold water and wiped my forehead , face and neck ... If it is a fever it should go down and if it's just hot it should cool down ... Either way it's what I can do to help myself ...Its what I have been doing ..
I stood there , Seconds turned into minutes , But the heat from my body only increased ..The cold Cloth helps nothing ...I felt like burning ...My body feels boneless , No energy at all to steady myself anymore ...I unknowingly sank down on the floor and sat there quietly , I don't know what to do ... Tears rolling down my eyes but I can't even make a noise to let my pain and discomfort out...
An hour passed by and I still sat there in helplessness... Crying out my vulnerability....I can't even comprehend why and When I pulled my sleeves up , From how long I was staring at My cuts which I used To cause myself ..I felt an Urge To do it again , To see the red fluid flowing down my arms ..But then I had promised myself not to do that again .. And I don't want to break that promise this time too ...I still feel sorry for breaking it for the first time ..
It was a scratch at first , then a line , then a wound ,and the wound became a map of pain ...
It was a little red at first , then it became a stream of crimson royal red..
It was wrist at first , Then chest , then upper arms and now its on my thighs...
It was my shirt at first , getting stuck on my wrists , then at my chest and now my trousers are caught too ...
and I couldn't ever wear shorts after that ..I couldn't ever wear sleeveless shirts after that , I couldn't ever wear fitting clothes after that ...
The scenes still haunt me , I immediately pulled back my sleeves before my inner demons could take the best of me ...My tears Had subsided at their own once I started reminding myself that I love myself ,If No one else cares for me I care for myself ......It was one of the chants that make me jump back to reality
I slowly got up ..I looked at My reflection in the mirror for the last time before heading back To bed ..
I slide in covers once again....Letting The motionless cloth embrace me ,I am okay ,I will be Okay and I love myself..
I love myself so i ache pain in my skin ,letting the blood speak where words failed ..
I love myself so I skip meals , calling it my strength and then shattering mirrors to avoid my reflection ..
