The Illusion of Us

Chapter 4: Breaking Down Walls

Felix's courting was a gentle dance, in equal measures of genuine gestures and silent passion that tugged, day in and day out, at the edges of my hard-won independence. Every day it seemed he would paint another brush stroke into a picture of what he could envision our future to be: a future tantalizingly interesting, yet intimidatingly daunting. The manner of his gestures was nothing short of charming, and yet, the girlfriend designation was one with which I wasn't ready to identify. My independence was perhaps the foundation of my identity, and giving that up would have amounted to losing part of myself.

Felix's routine of seeing me at my bus stop became something I cherished every day. The security of his presence made this time spent with him reassuring moments of my day. From frivolous school gossip to the more profound contemplation of our desires, our conversations allowed me to create a space that was non-judgmental and took my thoughts and feelings into consideration. The fact that he was always present spoke well of his interest in getting to know me better, and although comforting, the degree of his interest wasn't taken for granted.

It was one of those crisp autumn afternoons as we made our way to the bus stop, and Felix was in high spirits. The sparkle in his eye showed a hint of anticipation and love; indeed, this had been feelings he couldn't conceal. "You know, Elaine," he began, his tone soft and gentle, my heart racing with every word, "of late, I've been thinking much about us two. I really like it when I am with you, and I do hope you feel the same."

I couldn't help but smile at his words. There was a flutter in my chest, which was a mix of excitement and apprehension. "I do, Felix. I enjoy our time together as well."

Felix's beaming face showed a broad smile, palpable relief. "Glad to hear that. I think we are building on to something here."

The studying, necessitated by practical reasons initially, soon became routine I looked forward to. Felix's tendency to sit next to me in class, to offer help with math problems at any point, and to be over-supportive when I was struggling with an assignment was at once supportive and subtly possessive. At one very heated session of math, Felix leaned closer than usual. His warm breath tickled my ear as he whispered, "You're really doing great with this. If you need any help, just let me know."

I shifted slightly, trying to square my attention with the problem in front of me. "Thanks, Felix. Appreciate it."

Although the closeness sometimes bothered me, it was sweet how supportive he was. Night phone calls, texts ran far deep in the evening, developing a rhythm of connection that felt comforting and intense at one and the same time. His frank interest in my thoughts and stories began to chip away the barriers around my heart. The enthusiasm with which he came across my interests and unshakable support started to melt down my resistance.

His voice soft and almost pleading, Felix spoke one evening as we talked about our favorite books. "Elaine, you know how much I care about you. I really want us to be more than just friends. I believe we can be great together."

It weighed on my heart the weight of his words. I treasured the connection that we shared between us, but naming it was still an uphill struggle. "Felix, the fact is that I really like you and value the time we spend together. However, I am not ready to label what we have just yet. My independence means a lot."

Felix replied in soft tones, warm with comprehension. "I understand. I don't mind waiting indefinitely. Just know that I will be here whenever and whatever. "

The dynamic that new development unleashed within our core group of friends, which included Talya, Rianne, and Hanna, was to embrace the change with more or less acceptance. Talya, my best friend, followed the turn of events with a mixture of amazement and mirth.