Alone I Break | LingOrm FF

~ Part 10 ~

The house was sparkling, a product of a week-long cleaning marathon. It was strange. She hated cleaning, all the scrubbing, washing, dust, and dirt. But there seemed to be little else to do, and it kept her mind busy. Which was extremely necessary. Suzie told her it was an escape mechanism, merely a method to avoid facing reality. He was right, of course. Just because she knew that, though, didn't mean she could stop doing it. The truth was that she just wasn't ready to face reality yet. Who would be in her situation? Recently dead brother. Best friend turning against her. Mental breakdown. A house she couldn't keep. And an ex-girlfriend wanting another chance. Yes, avoidance was definitely the term of the moment, or rather the week.

One week had passed since the night on her porch spent talking to Lingling. She hadn't seen her since then, but she called once a day to make sure everything was okay and to see if she needed anything. Nothing else came up in the short, yet friendly, conversations. And for that she was glad. There was just too much going on, too many changes, problems, and worries for her to be thinking about Lingling.

Unfortunately, her brain couldn't seem to obey that order. When she wasn't having one of her sporadic crying fits – which Suzie assured her were perfectly healthy - or scrubbing the bathroom tiles, or scolding Argyle for rolling on the living room carpet that she'd just vacuumed, she was thinking of Lingling. She'd had a week to ponder all that she'd told her. Despite the time she'd spent on the subject, Orm was no closer to knowing what to do about it.

With a cross between a growl and a sigh, Orm flopped back against one of the floor cabinets in the kitchen. The knob on the cabinet door she was trying to fix just wasn't cooperating. She winced when her head hit the hard wood, and her eyes closed as she released a deep, frustrated breath. She didn't know what to do about anything. For the first time in forever, she was alone and solely responsible for everything. It petrified her beyond words. There were so many things she needed to figure out and she didn't know what to do about any of them, the house, the bills, her future, Lingling.

P' Ling.

And here she was back to her again. If there was one thing Orm was glad for, it was that she was doing as she'd requested: giving her time and space. The downside was that during that time she'd yet to come to a solution. The only thing she did know was that she understood now what had happened three years earlier. Finally, it all made sense. For so long it had been a mystery to her, but now she knew. All the pieces had been filled in, and the puzzled completed, but the complication remained. What did she want to do? What did knowing mean? Where were they to go from here? She didn't know.

All she knew was the 'why'; why she'd dumped her, why their relationship had vanished in the blink of an eye. She understood why it had happened. She could almost accept it. Her dream job had been threatened, and doubts had been placed in her head by others. She could comprehend the confusion, the swirling indecision, the feeling of being out of control. Yes, she could grasp that concept. But that didn't mean she condoned her actions. It just meant she understood them.

"Ugh," Orm groaned, banging her head several times against the wooden cabinet door.

It felt like her brain was overloading. There was just too much going on inside her head. At that moment, something Suzie had said in their last session echoed in her mind.

'You have to take care of yourself first, Sunshine. You have to let your heart heal, and deal with what's important. Whatever's left, it can wait.'

The fact of the matter was that she wasn't ready to deal with Lingling yet, not when there were so many other things to deal with, and her heart still ached every second of the day over James's death. Suzie was right; she needed time to let her heart heal, and to take care of more important issues like getting back to work and contacting a real estate agent about selling the house. And then, once she did that, there would be finding an apartment and moving and whatever else came up. There just wasn't time, or the capacity, to deal with Lingling yet. Still, despite realizing this, Orm knew she had to at least do something about her on a smaller level.