Mental Health One shots

7. Caught - Amelia Shepherd

Tw: sh

Shit, shit, shit! I'm so stupid! I can't do anything right! This patient died because of me, because of me! If I had recognized the bleeding earlier and informed Dr. Shepherd early enough, he would still be alive! I'm no good for anything, I can't do anything right. Why did I think I was good enough to practice medicine? Obviously I'm not.

I quickly ran away. From everyone, but above all from myself. I didn't hear Dr. Shepherd calling after me. The door of the familiar supplie closet slammed behind me. I slid down a wall and breathed in and out deeply, clenching my hands into fists. Suddenly I felt the small piece of metal in my trouser pocket. The small blade suddenly felt so incredibly heavy. It almost crushed me. My right hand went to it and pulled it out. The blade sparkled in the light, still silver, only red on one corner. It was from this morning.

I rolled up my sleeve and held the blade to my arm. I closed my eyes again briefly, but the blade became heavier and heavier.

My arm was soon covered in fresh cuts and with each one the blade became lighter, I became lighter. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and I was able to pull down my sleeve just in time. Dr. Sheperd entered the room. She looked at me knowingly, which I didn't like at all! She couldn't know anything about it!

"Dr. Y/l/n, give it to me!"

She said in a stern tone

"W-what?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

She knelt down on the floor in front of me and looked me in the eyes. I avoided her gaze and lowered mine to the floor.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Dr. Sheperd just grabbed my hand, which was clenched into a fist, and carefully opened my fingers, which were tightly gripping the blade. The moment felt unreal and like it was in slow motion. Nevertheless, I couldn't react quickly enough when she took the blade from my hand.

I was too stunned to do anything. And then a huge wave of emotions hit me. I didn't know what was happening to me. I just felt Dr Shepherd putting her arms around me.

"It's okay, you're okay! I've got you and I won't let you go. Just let it all out, you can do it!"

I cried and cried and cried. Slowly my tears dried up and my emotions began to sort themselves out. I quickly pulled out of Dr Shepherd's arms. But all I really wanted to do was to hold her even tighter in my arms.

"Can I have a quick look at your arm please?"

I thought about my options. Either she would see or I would have to make a run. Neither option seemd grate. Suddenly it hit me. If she sees the cuts she would go to Bailey and report me. With that thought in my mind I stood up and made a run for it. Dr Sheperd tried to get a hold of me but I managed to get away.

The next day I was a bit nervous to go to work. But I had to the exams were soon.

"And Y/l/n, female Sheperd requested you."

Ofcourse she had. How could I be so naive?

"And no changing especially for you Y/l/n. Whatever you did yesterday, she asked me 3 times for you and told me to have an eye on you, so that you are not able to change with someone."

Oh C'mon. I wanted to say something but I was paged by Dr Sheperd.

"Why are you still standing here? You better answer that!"

I set off but only fast enough so that Bailey would leave me alone. Dr Sheperd paged me to her office. That was defenitely a trap but I had to answer my pager. So I knocked. The door opened and I looked in Dr Shepherd's concerned eyes. I was practically pulled into her office.

"Pleas sit down."

"Dr. I have some stuff to do."

"No you do not because I gave everything to Derek and his Intern."

She closed the door and locked it.

"You can't just-"

"Yes I can because you are a danger to yourself."

"You don't have any prove!"

She was now standing infront of me. I looked up into her blue eyes. I was fucked!

"Then roll up your sleeves please"

I swallowed and looked to the ground. Her voice was soft an comforting again.

"There's nothing."

"Please show me. I won't report it to Bailey or Weber and I won't put you on a psych hold. I just want to make sure how they are healing."

Her facial expression softened. I began to panic, because I wasn't able to get myself out of this one.

"Can't you please just let me be Dr Shepherd?"

She crouched down infront of me and looked at me sadly.

"Amelia is fine and I really wish that I could but I care to much Y/n. I don't want anything happening to you! So please just let me look?"

I finally gave in and nodded. Carefully she took my arm and pulled the sleeve up. I starred blankly at a Spot on the Wall. If I would look into Dr Sheperds eyes I might have started crying and I certanly didn't want that.

"Y/n, I will clean them. It will hurt a little bit. But you can always tell me to stop."

I nodded again. Unable to take my eyes off of the spot on the wall. I was not really there, it was a weird feeling. I didn't even feel the pain from the disinfectants.

"Y/n, Hey it's alright. Look nothing happened! You don't have to panic, its allright! Could you please look at me?"

She snapped me out of my thoughts and I managed to look her into the eyes. Simultaneously I began to pick at the edge of the bandage. She just put her hand on mine to stop it.

"Why did you do it?"

"I-I just felt like I do everything wrong and if I had recognized the symptoms earlier so many people wouldn't have died. I don't think that I am good enough to practice medicine. It just kinda takes the pain away I guess and it makes me feel so euphoric. I can't really put it into words how it makes me feel..."

"You couldn't have found the bleeding it wasn't visible on any scanns. Don't beat yourself up! You are just human and it's human to make mistakes! You are doing a great job and are a really competent intern. You are smart, kind and good with patients! I have only heard good things about you, really! I just wish you coul see that too!"

Some tears made there way back into my eyes. But I quickly blinked them away.

"Really?"

"Yes Y/n I meant every word. You belong to this job, you are doing great honey! Its always a joy to be in the OR with you! So please come to me next time you feel like doing that to yourself"

"I'll try my best."

"Perfect! I will do some random checkups and you will be staying with me fo the next week and thats nothing you can argue with me about! So don't try me. But please come to me if you need me!"

"Thank you Amelia!"

"No problem"

She hugged me and I melted into her arms. Finally all my worries and doubts had disapeared! New hope had risen in me!

Wordcount: 1286