December 31st
So ...... I haven't written anything for a while. The past few months have been stressful, but..... I think things are looking up? Although- you know that saying that things sometimes get worse before they get better?
Yeah. I think I understand that now.
So back in September briar got a GP appointment
She said she hates going to the doctor for anything. I mean, I can relate.
But this was extra scary.
For obvious reasons.
The doctor was helpful, and referred cerise to an eating disorder service, but the waiting list was so long.
Her first appointment wasn't until January.
And things started to get really bad after that.
Her eating disorder got worse. I could tell, but she wouldn't talk to me about it.
She skipped school a lot which made her mom mad at her like all the time.
Her thoughts and behaviour about food became..... Obsessive.it didn't make logical sense any more. I guess it never did, really. But she'd always lie about it.
And she told me she used to self harm?
Well that kind of started again
Briar(crying): sorry
Cerise: it's not your fault
I think mostly because of the stress of everything else.
I didn't know what to do except just be there for her.
But things just got harder for her.
There was one night in October where her mom had to take her to A&E.
Briar (on the phone): I just feel so stupid but but I can't stop it
Cerise: I know it's not your fault
She knew the compulsion made no sense but she didn't know how to stop them.
Neither did I.
Briar's mental health was assessed while she was there, and they told her that it'd be best if she spent some time as an inpatient.
But It was her choice.
Briar said yes.
It happened really fast.
I was scared.
She was scared.
Briar(hugging cerise): pfft I swear you're getting more emotional than me
Cerise: shhhh
I mean, I only knew about psychiatric hospitals from movies and the nearest available spaces at a ward was a 2-hour drive away.
We knew it was the right thing to do.
She had to at least try and see if it would help.
It was weird being at school without briar.
I couldn't stop worrying about her.
We spoke on the phone when we could, and obviously I visited a too, but.
I kept wishing I knew how she was feeling all the time.
Was she home sick
Was she lonely
Was the treatment helping
Was she bored
Was it making things worse
Had she made some friends
It feels so awful to complain about my feelings when Briar's been going through all of that, but I guess I've been pretty anxious these past few months.
But I talk to raven about it a lot.
That helps.
I've been hanging out more with my bookball friend, too.
Now that I'm out to them I feel like I can just be myself around them. And we can just hang out and be chill
Briar asked me to not tell them what was going on with her.
She was kinda scared of it spreading around school.
They knew she was off school because she was unwell thought, so they've been supportive in their own way.
Briar said I could keep the LGBTQ squad updated.
Raven: Maddie did you get the card for briar
Maddie: yep I got a giant one, it's the length of my arm
Lizzie: omc
Dex: cerise does briar have access to a DVD player??? I was thinking we could send her some fun films to watch
Cerise: yeah she does!!! Good idea, she literally said they don't have crownfilx or anything and they've only got movies from like 2005 haha
Lizzie: I got the gift basket! And some stickers and stuff!
Cedar: I got her some art stuff!
Ashlyn: I got a couple of books!! She said she likes to read books so I hope that's okay
Cerise: do you all wanna come back to mine after school tomorrow?? You can sign the card and we can decorate the gift basket and stuff! Also you can come on a walk with cameal and me if you want
Maddie: I WOULD LOVE TO MEET cameal
raven: I also would like to meet cameal
Dex: I think we all would like to meet cameal tbh
She didn't want them all visiting - I think it would have been too overwhelming.
But they still found ways to help.
And they helped me too.
I'd go with Briar's family to visit her a couple of times a week.
Part of me wished I could go every day but she needed space
I got to know thorn and thistle pretty well during all the long car journeys.
Thorn kind of quite but I think he approves of me? I dunno.
he kind of.... Intense.
It took a few weeks and a lot of visits but cerise started to seem a little better.
Staying in a hospital was a big risk.
It probably isn't helpful for everyone.
But it was for her
Briar(holding thistle): Dex always trying to get me to watch this
She could actually focus on her mental health without worrying about school and what everyone thought.
She came home in early December
Cerise (runs up and hug's briar): hey
Briar(hugging cerise): hey
Just in time for the Christmas season
She's still dealing with a lot so she stayed off school for the rest of term.
Christmas day was especially hard.
She came round mine after a big argument with her mom.
She got to meet our new puppy( dine wolf pup) vermilion which cheered her up a bit but....
It was a difficult day.
It's not like seven weeks in hospital made her magically okay again.
I know I'm not an expert or anything but from what I've learnt over the past few months mental illness take a long time to go away completely..... If they ever do.
This is probably only the start of a long journey.
But she's definitely doing better.
She's having therapy sessions with this guy called John.
She hasn't self-harmed since October
And she's been thinking about how to deal with her anorexia and anxiety.
We've been messaging a lot while I'm at school
Dex's been bringing her all the work she's missed
Yesterday we were just hanging out in her room and she said something funny and we just started laughing and couldn't stop for ages.
I love her so much.
Well I guess that's my life update
Anyway I'd better go briar will be here soon! We're going to a new year's eve party tonight!
Apple is having a big house party with fireworks and stuff.
It's the first time briar will have been back with a bunch of people from school. We can always leave if it's awful but I'm excited.
I'm excited to just hang out at a party with my girlfriend.
