5th march
John says I need to start writing in my diary again.
Well he didn't say I had to.
He just said it might be helpful.
He's probably right.
He's usually right which is quite annoying, actually.
But I haven't written in here since last summer, and a lot has happened since then.
I can't believe I've been having therapy for like 4 months already.
I hated the idea at first.
Even though I admitted I needed it.
And things didn't exactly get off to a great start, what with the waiting time and me just spiralling after that.
Things got bad really fast.
Spending a few weeks in a psych ward was obviously not my plan
And there were some ups and downs there, sure.
But I think I got lucky because the place I went to was actually helpful.
I started therapy there. Not with John but the therapist was really nice
Therapist: how are you settling in briar?
Briar: um... It's not too bad...
I had a nutritionist too I know that isn't the case for all psych wards.
We weren't allowed mobile phones but I could still call home from the ward phone.
Briar(on the phone): tell Dex I liked the movie.
Some of the rules kinda sucked and some days were awful but a lot of it was fine. I even made a couple of friends.
Briar: Uno!!
Friend1: noooo
Friend2: hahaha
At first I think there was a big part of me that didn't even want to get better. That just wanted to keep pretending I was fine so I didn't have to put the effort to change.
Briar: I CAN'T DO IT I can't I just can't
Nutritionist: yes you can briar I know you can.
I was so scared of losing control.
Eating was something I could control.
But I wasn't fine I had... Have a mental illness.anorexia.
I also got diagnosed with OCD and anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense too. John says they're connected.
Briar(on the phone): anorexia and OCD and anxiety and depression apparently.
Cerise (on the other end): well that makes sense.
Briar: haha yeah
Everything finally made a bit of sense. Especially the OCD and anxiety, which I don't think even cerise really knew about.
Briar: it's like.... There's all these rules in my head about food. Ordering and collecting and eating in curtain ways at times. And if I break the rules I feel like I'm going to die.
My brain is literally so weird.
Being in hospital didn't make me completely free of mental illness.not even close.
King Philip: ready to get home briar?
Briar: yeah
But it got me out the deep end.
John(therapist): nice to meet you briar
Briar: um... You too
John is my therapist now that I back home.
He thinks he's hilarious. I don't know if humour is appropriate for a therapist but it makes sessions slightly bearable, since I hate talking about my feelings.
He's nice .
Me and John have talked about what's happening in my life over the past couple of years.
It's weird I knew that bad things had happened...
My destiny.
The nightmares .
Faybelle.
But I hadn't processed any of it.
I hadn't realised it had all affected me so much.
John says it's trauma.
Kind of a dramatic word I guess but John says trauma can come from all sorts of things.
John says I'm making progress but I think I'm realising now that there might never be an "ending".
This could be something that will always be there in the back of my mind waiting to emerge again and bring all the bad feelings back.
Some days I'm fine but others I wake up and I know that day is gonna be awful.
But John also says the bad days will get less common and I can just enjoy my life and hardly ever stress about food.
Some days I think he's full of shit.
But some days I feel hopeful.
I guess I'll have to keep trying.
So I went back to school after the Christmas holidays!
A couple of teachers knew what happened.
Mr Rumpelstiltskin and miss hood(my girlfriends dip fuck shit cousin sparrow's mum) have been really supportive.
Especially as dansal in distress has been kinda hard.
I think thorn feels guilty about everything.
he shouldn't but..
His mental health hasn't been great either.
But she's made this new friend(boyfriend I think) hopper crockington the second.
I don't think they're dating but thorn won't tell me anything.
She kind of the opposite of her but they seem to get along in a way I can't quite explain.
They just click like maybe like cerise and me.
So I guess there've been some change.
And maybe I won't be getting back to normal whatever that is.
I think that okay thought.
It's not gonna be a straight forward journey
Haha since when is anything I do straight?
Okay that's not funny.
But really.
I had a self harm relapse in mid-January me and cerise were eating dinner at mine and we got into a silly little argument.
We were both tired and stressed and I'd had a really bad day so I was being shitty.
She left and...... yeah.
I just got the urge.
It wasn't anyone's fault. Relapse happen.
Thorn told cerise what had happened and she came back later that night.
Briar: I'm sorry I didn't mean to
Cerise:I know it's okay I'm so sorry about earlier.
Briar:no I'm sorry it was my fault
Cerise: bri ssh
Briar:..... I'm such an idiot
Cerise: you're not
Briar: I don't know why it happened
Cerise: it's okay it's just a bad day
Briar: I was doing so well
Cerise:I know
We made up.
Dad even let her stay over to keep an eye on me
Not really necessary but I wasn't complaining
Briar's room 00 45 am
Briar: ce
Cerise looks up
Briar: can you come up here?
Cerise (flustered): u-um is that- is your dad ok with that?
Briar: please
Cerise stand up and gets in with briar
Cerise : wow your beds is huge.
Briar: well it's not a double size like yours!
Briar tuck them both in
Briar(almost crying): haha
Briar started to cry and cerise pulls briar to her neck
Briar(still crying): today was so shit
Cerise: yeah
I love cerise.
Cerise: wanna come round mine and hang out with vermilion tomorrow?
Briar(stopped crying): pfft are wolf cuddles your solution to everything?
Cerise: pretty much yeah
I love cerise so much.
They fall asleep
But what I've realised through all of this is that we need other people too.
Siblings
Parents
Friends
More friends.
A therapist
Even teachers sometimes
That doesn't mean our relationship isn't strong.
Briar room 6:50am
Cerise: S'it morning
Briar: yeah
If anything....
Cerise tuck into briar more
Cerise: Five more minutes
I think we're stronger now.
