Conneaut, OH
At the age of 16 I felt genuinely happy. I had her. I didn't know what I was doing, but I was piloting a jet fighter. I thought I'd stick the landing.
At the age of 17 I knew who I was but had no direction. My only friend was gone and I spent my birthday and ensuing holidays glued to my bed, sobbing until i became dehydrated. I lost 150 pounds during summer break. I hated my senior pictures with my baggy clothes.
At the age of 18 I was losing sight of who I was. After half a tear what what I can only describe as takotsubo cardiomyopathy, I needed relief. Feeling my veins ice cold under layers of blankets, impaired motor skills, and breathlessness. I needed an escape. It was during this time I was constantly sedated on uppers, downers, and psychedelics. Weed and or coke to perk me up, alcohol to put me down and LSD to to get me through the long quiet weekends. I was one of the kids you could never tell was having trouble, and no one cared to ask. Even in a large "friendship group" of 20 or so people, no one asked. And everyone would become vexed if you told them.
At the age of 20 I'd had enough. I needed to put all this introspection together. There'd be one overdose and thankfully I was partying with EMT college grads to pull me from the edge. I'd totally lost sight of who I was, and until then had made up my mind on a live fast, die young philosophy. Not anymore, every was about to change.
At the age of 21 I had no person in my body, but I functioned as if I did. I finally found direction. Working even when my hand bled, the skin tore off from my hand getting caught on equipment or a lake boats water tight door. 36 hours on non stop Cuyahoga River shuttle runs. I learned to fight and stick up for myself on the boats. I was becoming the man I needed to be.
At the age of 26, I've made it. And I remember who I was. I'd made my own stability. Where others faltered I fought, and won. And I am unbroken, and can't believe how baggy my clothes used to look on a younger man I no longer know.
