Pen and Paper

5

5

            The days have passed by too long. Every hour is like a ten days. I wished I would feel better. But I feel worse every passing minute. And that’s not it, I also felt horribly sad. I wish I’d know why I am feeling this way. And I can’t quite put my finger to it. I wanted to see Tony. That’s for sure. Over the past few days, it was the only thing I truly wanted. I badly wanted to see him.

           So I came back to the Nipa hut, it was the only place that I was sure I’d find him. But it was empty. Somehow, without him, it was cold and unwelcoming. It was unpleasant. Yet I don’t know why even if the hut was dedicated to my admirer, I can only think of Tony. I wanted to see him. I want to hold him. I want him close to me. I long for his stupid humour, his silly laughs, his goofy smile…

              I am inlove with him. And I needed to tell him so. But I didn’t know how.

             I picked up a sheet of paper and started to scribble. But to my surprise, I dedicated it to my admirer.

Dear Admirer,

       This is Marianne. And I know that Tony asked you to keep a lookout here. And, well, I don’t know. I just really wanted to tell you something. I know that I’ve told you I love you, and maybe I did. And I will always do. But you have to understand, you were simply a bright star for me. And though you shine my every night, what I really need is my sun. And I have been ignoring him for so long. He was the very bestfriend I have, and I can only tell you that I have never given you my heart because it is with him all along. He has always possessed it. Please understand and don’t be angry. I love him. And I love you too, it’s just that my heart will only belong to him forever.

Loving always,

Marianne.

So I folded it neatly and I shoot it at the narrow opening of the box.

Then I remembered that I haven’t received a single letter from my admirer since I left Tony here. Maybe because I haven’t checked the mailbox. So I opened my mailbox and expectedly, I found a single piece of letter. I unfolded it and started to read,

Dearest Ianne,

                          I have kept a secret all these times. And in every line I sketch in a letter, I am tempted to tell you. But I was afraid.

I am a coward, I admit.

The moment I first laid my eyes on you, I have fallen in love with you. And I did everything for you to see. Did you know how much pain it caused me when you told me that I was ‘your very bestfriend’ in the whole world?  It hurts me that you see me of nothing more. But I was happy that you love me even in that way, so I acted as your bff. But you weren’t contented. You wanted to fall in love. And it hurts me more when you blamed me for you not being able to fall in love. So I created this person, your admirer. Perhaps when I hide myself from you then, you will be able to love me. And you did. But you loved my pen more than you loved me. And you don’t know how much pain I felt.          I love you, and you must have known.

But I haven’t been fair to you.

Keeping this secret, I have caused you pain.

I have hurt you, and I’ll never forgive myself because I know that your precious tears have touched the ground because of my own naught.

I can only hope that a day should come that you forgive me. But I daren’t ask for it, I know that I can never fully deserve it. I am so sorry my love. Know that I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to love you. And it wasn’t fair for you.

I promise that you will never see me again. It was all you asked of me. And although you have killed my heart when you asked me that, I will commit that murder for you.

I love you…

,Today

,from Yesterday

,until Tomorrow

Forever yours,

Your Admirer,

Tony